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Should I breakup with him to appease my mom/ I'm very depressed please help me

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Mimi 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #220921

    Alexa
    Participant

    Hello, I have a question and I need help…

    [This is long and has some background, if you want to get to the issue go to paragraph 2, but the first one has some really good insight]

    So I met my current boyfriend about 8 months ago and for the first 6 months it was amazing! We were long distance but made it through. HE came up to visit me (I live 11 hours away) twice in that time and I went down to him twice. I come from a very old fashioned culture (I’m Greek and Jewish) and he is also Greek. My mom at the beginning of the relationship was so excited that I found a Greek man who came from a well off family and everything was going amazing. We decided as our 6 month treat I would go and stay with him for 2 weeks in his home city. Naturally my parents where against this since I am only 20 and my boyfriend is 25. They where concerned we are intimate and even went as far as to interrogate and shame me if I am intimate with my boyfriend. Regardless, he came to pick me up from my home and my parents interrogated him for 3 hours asking him about his family, and intentions with me, and his personal life, and his sex life and he sat through all of it and was patient. Inevitably my parents let me go to NY with him.

     

    Here’s where the problem arises. Once we got to NY everything was great. We where so excited to be with each other. But unfortunately my boyfriends boss, who had been sexually harassing him for months now became very aggressive towards him. Calling him and threatening him, stalking my social media, and continuing inappropriate behavior. My boyfriend through all this kept asking and making sure if I was okay, saying things like, “Maybe you should go back home… I don’t know how this is going to escalate” or “Are you sure your fine?”. And I kept assuring him I’m fine, and everything is okay, because I wanted to be a rock for him. I have a history of SEVERE anxiety. My doctors are shocked I don’t have a chronic substance abuse problem or have been hospitalize for it. I also suffer with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Depression brought on by anxiety. I also have PTSD from being a victim of Sexual Assault and Abuse. By boyfriend is aware of all these things which is why he was suggested for me to go home because he was concerned but I kept assuring him I was fine. Finally things escalated to the point where my boyfriend was concerned about home security and I suggested… I SUGGESTED AND ENCOURAGED HIM to buy a gun for home safety. Him and I wanted to go to a shooting range for fun anyways while I was in NYC (we both come from Military families so its a recreation for us).

    So one of the nights he had to go to work and report his boss to HR. I was very stressed because I had to be home alone for 6 hours in addition to being in a city with a high crime rate that I was unfamiliar with. I contacted my parents and chatted with them but did not tell them about the security issues because I did not want to be forced to go home. I was BEYOND stressed the entire afternoon. I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink, no cigarettes, no caffeine, I was on high alert. After I got the text from my boyfriend everything was okay and I was safe I finally relaxed and started cooking dinner for us. Since I finally felt like I could unwind I had a beer. I am not a drinker, in fact I almost never drink at all. It always makes me sleepy and I don’t like the taste… except beer. My boyfriend who is over 21 has alcohol in his house but him and I never drink together because I don’t drink often and for religious reasons. But I decided to have a beer. And then I had another. And I eventually lost track of what I was drinking. From what I remember I had drinker 5- 16oz PBR’s and had taken 5 shots for hard liquor. I’m an inexperienced drinker and have not had a lot of experience with it.

    Fast forward my boyfriend comes home and finds me passed out. I was black out drunk, but he didn’t know that. He called 911 and then immediately called my parents since he didn’t know what was wrong with me or my medical history. All in all the hospital concluded I was heavily intoxicated  with no other complications. Immediately my first question was, “Did you call my parents?!” and his response was, “Of Course…” and I was devastated. Sobbing and had a panic attack because I did not want to confront my mother. My parents flew into NY and picked me up at the hospital. My boyfriend the entire time was exhausted but tried to be kind. Adamantly he was irritable but still tried to be kind and hospitable. My family and I stayed in a hotel and decided (because they where worried about my mental state) to let Nick and I go on one more date while I was in NY and we went to a museum. They invited him to breakfast and he was 30 minutes late due to a being exhausted after only having 5 hours of sleep after being awake for 72 hours strait. My mom was furious at this point but still tolerated him.

    Finally we left NY and my boyfriend quit his job and moved back home to finish college. My mother now refuses to let him come to the home. Refuses to see him. Thinks HE’S the reason I ended up in the hospital (for simple intoxication). And refuses to even allow him to come to the home and pick me up so we can spend a day together. She has nothing but nasty things to say about him and his family and quote-on-quote, “Doesn’t give a shit she’s affecting me and making me ill. I care about MY feelings and he is hurting me. IF your hurt because of me leave. I don’t care what you do. But he’s not welcome here and I will not speak to him. Until he has a ring on your finger.” My dad thinks he’s a nice guy but my mom has so such dominating “I don’t give a shit” attitude control, everyone can leave me alone attitude that no one can have anything to say. She always complains about her anxiety but doesn’t even consider how she effects other. I’ve been to 2 psychologists, a psychiatrist and my religious leader (not just about this but her treatment of me in general in the past) and all of them had try to explain to her that what she is doing is wrong and she is being inconsiderate and abusive to me and her attitude is, ‘I don’t care about what they have to say I’m worrying about me from now on and MY health’. And continues this behavior. And I just don’t know what to do.

    I love my boyfriend so much, him and I both want to get married. We actually planned on eloping while I was in NY. But I can’t keep dealing with these head games and abuse. And I love my mother. She’s my mommy. She’s been the most important person in my life up to this point. But I don’t know what to do. Should I just break up with him and appease her. Should I keep him and her separate and try and manage that lifestyle. I don’t know what to do. She bad mouths him to everyone in my family and I just don’t know how to handle this and I don’t want to destroy my relationship to badly to the point where I destroy my relationship with my dad as well. This all happened over 2 months ago and from the anxiety I have lost about 12lbs in weight, I have crying spells, insomnia, vomiting, migraines, dizziness for extended periods of time (like the ground is shaking and everything is blurry and I can’t make it stop). I’ve expressed how her behavior has effected me and her reaction is, “Sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t change the way I FEEL.” I just don’t know what to do.

    My boyfriend and his family have been nothing but loving and supportive even to the point where his mother, father and grand parents have invited me to family events, offering to have lunches with me, inviting me to stay at their vacation home and go on trips with them. His grandfather stopped in my town on his way back from a business trip and took me to lunch and introduced me to some Greeks he knew in my area (since my mom has isolated herself and only talks to her sister, mother, and my godparents). His uncle is an actor and offered broadway tickets to my boyfriend and to stay at his condo in Manhattan for us to have a weekend get away. They feel very badly for me and are trying to be supportive to him and I. My Godparents have even reached out and offered him a home away from home with them if he comes up to visit me. And maybe I’m being immature and selfish but she is my mother and I just don’t know what to do. Should I break up with him and appease her and stop her from treating me this way or though it out and r and keep dating him. I’ve never been in a relationship before and I just don’t know what to do…

    Thank you to anyone who reads this

    God Bless

    #220929

    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Alexa,

    Sorry to hear of your difficult situation.

    I don’t think you should break up with him because that is unlikely to appease your mom or stop her from treating you in this manner. Even if she does so it will be temporary till she finds the next issue.

    You have already been through so much with her. A person that you look up to for love is not giving you the care and support that you need. That kind of hurt is not good for you. You mentioned about various sources of your support. It is probably a good idea to move out away from your mom at the earliest so that you can focus better on your issues and your own healing.

    It will be a difficult decision but your health should be your top priority.

    Take care

     

    #220991

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Alexa,

    20 is a rough age because you are technically a grown woman, yet still have to sometimes go back to your parents’ house. Are you in University/college? If not, please go and LIVE IN A DORM/APARTMENT/HOUSE that is far away from your mother. Just being physically away from her SHOULD relieve your anxiety…

    …but it apparently doesn’t because of getting passed out drunk far away. And then your well meaning boyfriend calls your mother and she freaks out and is all “See? SEE?? THIS is why we have to micro-manage your every move! And by the way you can’t even pick out a nice Greek boyfriend right!”

    You NEED to get some anxiety meds under control or you won’t be fit for a relationship ~ with anyone!

    As for marrying the boyfriend, please wait a few years. Move away from your Mother. And stabilize your moods.

    Best,

    Inky

    #221001

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexa:

    Clearly your mother isn’t functioning well as your mother and hasn’t before the boyfriend. Her dysfunction does not mean though, that your boyfriend is right for you. The two are separate issues.

    Your boyfriend lived in New York, a liberal city with strong laws and regulations regarding the work place, strong anti harassment laws. And yet, your boyfriend experienced his boss “sexually harassing him for months”, then she or him “became very aggressive towards him”. Calling him and threatening him, stalking… continuing inappropriate behavior”. The boss’s aggressive behavior was so bad that you and your boyfriend were considering getting a gun and planned to go to a shooting range.

    His boss didn’t care to be caught harassing him, didn’t care to call him (could have been recorded), didn’t care to lose his or her employment, kept at it.

    Soon after your visit to NY, after your hospitalization, he quit his job. I am curious and would like to understand better: what is happening with that aggressive harassment history at this point, did your boyfriend take a legal route in regard to it before he quit his job? Any idea about the harasser’s carelessness to be taking it that aggressively in New York (as opposed to a third world country, I suppose), and why didn’t he quit that job earlier (after all he is from a well off family, could have afforded to quit, no?)

    anita

    #221025

    Alexa
    Participant

    Hello! Thank you for your concern!

    He’s not actually based out of New York I just used that bc he’s from a different large unsecure city. As for the bosses harassment, his boss was male… so my boyfriend didn’t see it as sexual harassment until his parents sat him down and was like, “Dude this is messed up”… We actually did record 2 phone calls with his boss. When he reported him HR concluded it was a giant “He said, she said” (again this did not take place in NY, he’s from down south actually… I just used NY bc I wanted to keep some info private like locations, dates, times ext). My boyfriend’s job specifically was being an assistant manager to this man and him mentoring my boyfriend. My boyfriend did not want to quit because his parents told him if he couldn’t hold his own in this job he would HAVE to go back to college. And my boyfriend isn’t the best student. He suffers with OCD and Dyslexia which makes it hard for him, even with resources (He had a 504 in college). HR concluded it wasn’t sexual harassment but his boss did get pinged with inappropriate conduct. But that wasn’t a fireable offense in his company, his boss had worked for that company for 25+ years and my boyfriend refused to work with him so he was barely working enough hours a week (he’s in restaurants) to pay for his rent…

    his bosses behavior was notable messed up and the company recognized that, but so much wasn’t either A. Recorded or B. In text so it was his word against his bosses. I hope that helps explain the situation better. Again, I do not want to disclose our exact cities for person reasons but he DEFINITELY is not in an area as liberal and progressive as NYC… He was further south unfortunately

     

    Thank you

    #221027

    Alexa
    Participant

    Thank you for your response and advice, I really appreciate it.

     

    God Bless

    xo Alexa

    #221029

    Alexa
    Participant

    Thank you for your honest advice… I have been seeking a psychiatrist to speak to bc I know if I allow my anxiety to run my life I’ll get sicker. Thank you for your care though, it means a lot to know there’s people out there somewhere…

    God Bless

    xo Alexa

    #221039

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexa:

    Your explanation is helpful to me. I am looking at the title of your thread: “Should I breakup with him so to appease my mom?”

    You shared that your mother “Thinks HE’S the reason I ended up in the hospital” so she refuses to allow him in the home and so forth. Reads like her motivation is your well-being. But then when you expressed to her “how her behavior has  effected me” (“lost about 12lbs in weight, I have crying spells, insomnia, vomiting, migraines, dizziness for extended periods of time”), her reaction was “Sorry, but there’s nothing I can do”.

    I suppose her motivation after all has not been your physical well being. Being dizzy for extended periods of time is dangerous, after all.

    “there’s nothing I can do, ” she said. She “Doesn’t give a sh*& she’s affecting me and making me ill”. She told you that you can leave and that she “don’t care what you do”.

    Back to the question in your title, my answer is: you have no moral obligation to appease your mother. If she continue to make your life miserable until you break up with him, and if you are not able or willing to move away from her, I suppose it would make sense to break up with him so to make your life easier (assuming she will be satisfied).

    Isn’t it interesting, your boyfriend’s boss didn’t care either how he affected your boyfriend, I suppose he too may have said to himself something like: if he (your boyfriend) doesn’t like it, he can leave!

    anita

    #221089

    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Alexa,

    You are most welcome. You can list out the steps that you are taking to help yourself. Taking those steps one at a time will help you prevent being overwhelmed and assist in your recovery.

    You will find the maximum possible support here.

    Prayers

    Take care.

    #221093

    Prash
    Participant

    *Re-posted

    Dear Alexa,

    You are most welcome. You can list out the steps that you are taking to help yourself. Taking those steps one at a time will help you prevent being overwhelmed and assist in your recovery.

    You will find the maximum possible support here.

    Prayers

    Take care.

    #221389

    Mimi
    Participant

    Alexa,

    I read most of your post and some of the replies.  What I didn’t see was anyone saying that five 16 oz. beers plus 5 shots of hard liquor is quite a lot of alcohol.

    I’m not judging you, but I do want you to be aware of what you are doing.  Many people with anxiety, depression, and other problems do tend to turn toward alcohol, when they should run as far away from it (and drugs) as possible.

    Of course getting black out drunk is very dangerous in this day and age, with all of the bad people you could come in contact with.  I know you didn’t mean to get that way, but sometimes people just want to escape their problems so much that they do that.  Even small amounts of alcohol can also contribute to the worsening of your anxiety, depression, and other problems.

    I know a  lot of people think, “Well, everyone drinks,” and things like that, but my husband has never touched drugs or alcohol (during decades of being an adult, and even as a teenager) and he’s the coolest, most amazing person that I know.

    Just something to keep in mind.  Whatever your problem, alcohol (or drugs) will only make things worse, in the long run.

    A mother who hurts you emotionally is usually someone you will want to distance yourself from, over time.  I didn’t see anything bad about your boyfriend in what you wrote, unless I missed it.  That doesn’t mean to rush into things with him, but if he’s good to you and so is his family, it’s certainly not a relationship to break off just because of what someone else (your mother) says.

    Just stay in touch with your own feelings and what you want from life, take things slowly, and start standing your ground with your mother.  My mom used to be super-critical, but now she is wonderful.  I had to stand up to her, cut off contact a few times, and eventually she got it.  Not all parents can change like that.  I was lucky that she wanted to change.  It can happen, though.

    I’m sorry if this reply is sort of unclear.  I’m very low on sleep and shouldn’t be writing right now, but I wanted to see if I could help, even if just a little bit.

    Good luck with everything.  Take care of YOU first.  Be true to what you want and need in life.

    Mimi

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