Some extra history… over the prior months of therapy, we’ve identified that I have had what someone called the “never-angry” personality profile… I pathologically avoid confrontation, hide problems, present a shiny happy face until the festering issues blow up.

So over the last three therapy sessions, I came to a huge (epiphany, I guess is the best word).  I finally said out loud “I’ve been completely spineless my whole life, and I don’t trust myself”

Using EMDR, we got to the emotional root of those reactions, and a lot of self-hatred about the past abuse and abandonment was released, along with the physical panic/heart attack like symptoms that accompanied them.  Since Wednesday, I feel like I’ve dropped a thousand pounds of crap off of my soul, like I’m finally just me.

Now it’s time to do that “being a real person with real feelings” thing, and work my way past the costs and fallout of my prior issues, and come out the other side into whatever real life I feel like.  (Plus or minus my medication side effects, her leftover anger, etc etc… but nothing insurmountable.