Hi John

Thanks for sharing your story

Your depression doesn’t come across as existential angst, so it could be chemical which could be related to food you eat or DNA or all the above. Then again I often wonder what comes first the depression or existential angst? Does depression create existential angst or does existential angst create depression? Either way they are entangled so both need to be addressed. IMO

Are you watching the show A Million Little Things? One of the character has the same problem, a pretty good life, but he’s depressed. I’m interested to see how the writers lead the character through that. So far its been pretty good.

Anyway. One of the issues I noted with my own depression is that it will feed on itself. I feel depressed about feeling depressed about being depressed…. Why am I so depressed, I suck, I have everything, what’s wrong with me, such a loser…. I try to use the practice of mindfulness to avoid doing that to myself.

Mindfulness also showed me that much of my depression comes from a place of loneliness which for me is related to existential angst. Asking myself what’s the point when very little I do involves engagement with others, at least at a live I think I want. If it only mattes to me does it matter at all… bla, bla, bla… you get the drift. I understand my absurdity yet can’t fully shake it.

Which brings me to another point with regards to change. Metaphorically all change requires a “dying” and letting go. Every creation is a destruction, every destruction is a creation. That is the reality of life… You can’t hold on to what is and at the same time grasp the change you hope for. At some point you need to let go and reach out to what is not yet fully known. To the ego this can feel like an actual physical dying/destruction, so we resist it. Subconsciously then the “desire” to kill one self can be a misunderstood call that its time to let go and embrace uncertainty.  (FYI we think we are hanging on to something but when you look you wont find anything – Life is change and we are always falling, yet even though we know its a illusion we still hold on = depression and all the self help books about entering into the flow of life vice resisting it.)

When the thought arises that I want to die I ask myself if there are area’s in my life that I need to let go of and die.  There are, and the issues, for me anyway, are always associated with fear, uncertainty of not being in control. I understand that in life control is an illusion yet understanding is not being so I’m working on it.