Shelby,

I was on standby all evening just in case you came back in despair but I am glad to hear that the meeting went somewhat good actually?!

The first thing I can say from reading your post is that he DOES love you, 100%. And as I have suggested before, I knew very well that him ‘getting on with things’ and seemingly ‘loving life’ is all a front when the reality is he thinks about you all the time. I know this because the situation with my ex was exactly the same!! Nights out here, holidays there, working, coping, managing whilst I couldn’t get out of bed most days – that to me looks like a functioning human being and that hurt! It’s not until he actually opened up that he told me all the things your ex told you – that it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do, that he thinks about me all the time, that it hurts.. So I’m glad your ex was man enough to tell you those things as I suppose in a way it helps to know the other person is also hurting to some extent, although in my case even after hearing those things I still saw him very much as a functioning person – you may be hurting but you’re getting on with things and I am not, and that p***ed me off!

As it stands you have to literally take his word, everything he said. So yes he does love you, yes he does care, yes he is concerned about you as he doesn’t want you to hurt, he hopes for some kind of future with you, yes this has hurt him but also he is not ready, he felt pressure, he doesn’t actually know what he want’s from life, he’s struggling to figure it all out and feels he doesn’t want to drag you along in the process – quite wise and considerate if you ask me (although may feel the complete opposite for you because I know you’d rather sit out and ‘wait’ for him rather than have to go through this).

I can completely understand that the laughs and emotions throughout the conversation have confused you and rightly so. (Gosh this sounds so much like me and my ex!!!!!!!!) I think the important thing to remember here is that despite this horrible heartbreak he is trying to do right by you and himself. He DOES love you, he just cant be what you need him to be for you right now. Nonetheless it is quite normal that you guys have sprung back to your old selves laughing and joking – we did the exact same! It’s like I couldn’t even stay angry at him for breaking my heart, frustrating to say the least!

I think you need to work on accepting the circumstances as they are. Maybe not so much hold on to hope but from the sounds of it this break up isn’t forever.. But you have to accept what it is at this present moment. Right now, you are not together, he is figuring himself out and you should do the same. You have to go back to complete basics and learn to live life for you. I know you have been struggling with this and maybe this process may be easier if you tell yourself that there is a possibility of reconciliation down the line?! By the time you get there, even if the opportunity doesn’t come about you’ll be in a much better headspace to accept it once and for all!

It is such a shame that a man in his thirties STILL doesn’t know what he wants. I understand people have their own timings but come on! I get so impatient with my ex (approaching his mid twenties) but he is really pushing it now! I do believe this is largely influenced by his family. Because although they were upset to hear about your split, of course, you were a part of their family, they’re not exactly giving him the push either! They should be the ones to say to him ‘Son! You’re a grown up! Go and be with your woman, creating YOUR life together!’ but unfortunately they aren’t and to be honest they’re only harming him in the long run.

It’s funny actually because in my ex’s culture it is required that if the girls (daughters) get into a relationship they are to be engaged pretty quickly as a sign of commitment from their partner – that is the expectation. If he doesn’t propose he is clearly not serious and having a boyfriend is considered quite sluttish maybe?! I don’t know. However for the men, (sons) completely different story, ‘No honey you don’t need to rush to get married, stay free as long as you can, live your life etc etc!’. Perfect example is my ex’s sister, she was with her now husband for two years IN SECRET because she didn’t want to get engaged, as soon as she brought him home to introduce him to the family he had to ask for her hand in marriage! Whereas my ex’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 20 years now, they have two mortgages and two children together and never married! Because the expectations are just different and quite frankly his parents don’t even question why they aren’t married after 20 years together! Crazy!

So essentially whatever my ex’s family want for their daughters, they don’t want that for their son’s or daughter in laws! Stupid if you ask me.