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Reply To: Healing but still afraid

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#269897
Howard
Participant

So it’s been a bit, and of course, more water under the bridge.

In the last few days/weeks, I’ve had a series of moments… either in therapy, in argument with her, or now just on my own out of the blue.  My emotional state is rapidly leaving behind the pain of the last few years and the self absorption… leaving room for far more positive feelings than I remember ever having before.

Today, out of the blue, I caught myself in the middle of thinking “You’ve been married 16 years, and this is what you’ve brought to the table….” and a voice in my head said ‘repeat that but only the first part’, so I thought to myself “You’ve been married 16 years” and I realized ‘wow, that has really been a long time’, and had an amazing feeling of omg, what have I been doing???

The voice caught me again, and said “again, but only the first part…” and I thought to myself, “I’ve been _married_…” and had a second stronger feeling of – realizing that long ago I never expected to ever be in a real relationship and instead, here’s this woman who has stuck with me through all of my problems.

No matter who we’ve been, she deserves to have, AND I deserve to BE, so much more than what I’ve been and done up till now……

I feel like I can finally see the sun, or feel what love is really like, or something, I almost had to pull the car over I started crying so hard.

OMG.  I have so much to apologize for, and make amends for, and change up completely and be a REAL me finally.