Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

You are very welcome!

You are aware of due dates and applications, organized, excellent! Do all you can do to be accepted in Rutgers and study genetic engineering there, your plan.

Interesting that your plan is to study genetic engineering, which according to Wikipedia (my source of information) is defined as the “direct manipulation of an organism’s genes using biotechnology. It is a set of technologies used to change the genetic makeup of cells, including  the transfer of genes within and across species boundaries to produce improved or novel organisms… An organism that is generated through genetic engineering is considered to be genetically modified (GM) and the resulting entity is genetically modified  organism (GMO)… Gene therapy is the genetic engineering of humans, generally by replacing defective genes with effective ones”

Medical transitioning is also a “direct  manipulation of an organism”, using “a set of technologies”. Even the acronym GMO can be… Gender Modified Organism.

You wrote: “people who have gender dissonance are comfortable with their bodies, but enjoy expressing gender behaviors different from societal expectations whereas in gender dysphoria, a person feels extreme insecurities about their body and may want  to change it… Since most transgender people experience intense gender dysphoria, many find it important to undergo surgery… For those transgender people who don’t medically transition, they are often more comfortable with their bodies than transgender people who want  to transition… Both transgender males and females have various ranges  of discomfort with their bodies.. A transgender male  is a person who is biologically female, but has a gender identity of male” –

-so there are transgender people with no gender dysphoria at all, and most transgenders suffer from gender dysphoria to various degrees, from mild to severe. It is the  transgenders who suffer significantly from gender dysphoria, who seek to medically transition.

You wrote about your personal feelings: “Having a sense of belonging and acceptance is important, but also knowing that I shouldn’t sacrifice myself to become a person that I’m not just to fit  into societal expectations of masculinity is a relief”-

Yes, it does make a lot of sense: many biologically male people suffer from body dysphoria, feeling that they don’t look masculine enough,  not tall enough, shoulders not wide enough, perhaps, not muscular enough, some have extra weight that shows in the chest, as if they had breasts, some have a bit of a female curving to their bodies.

When you,  Janus, over exercised so to look more muscular or get rid of any  female curving by losing weight, you are like the biological males who identify themselves as males but suffer from body dysphoria related  to their masculinity.

I am getting to some new understanding as I type this: you want to be a healthy male, not a male  with body dysphoria!

And  just like a biological male  who  is less muscular than another is still male, so are  you a transgender male no  matter how muscular you are, no matter.

I like this understanding and I see why you feel relief understanding this. You no longer have to push yourself  to appear more muscular, or if you feel that push (the  inner critic), you can repeat to yourself this understanding.

“I feel much stronger than I have  been in the past few months. I want to live and heal. I may have  broken pieces,  but that’s what makes life  worthwhile. It’s the  journey to pick up the broken pieces and work on the puzzle”- very well said. I think this as well as many of your writings on this thread will  one day be parts if a book you will author on your difficult yet amazing journey!

anita