So… this Christmas was acknowledged between us to be cash-short on my side, which has been one of the recurring sore spots over the years of my fiscal malfeasance.  While everything seemed to go quietly and reasonably, I have a feeling the likely reason for most of that was her simply refusing to let any frustration show out of a desire to not spend the holiday angry and contemptuous.  I’m using the time and emotional space to try and “live 2019”, that is, to imagine what life next year could be like and act like that now as much as possible.

Seems like the strongest way to break my habit of cringing, caving in internally, and saying nothing to try to outlive the shame.

Instead I’m doing my best to keep positive and acknowledge that I have a lot of changes inside that need to accumulate outward signs soon.  And the good part is that I still feel that different (from before the 18th); putting her first amongst all the various things to do is going to be a challenge until my task anxiety eases off, but overall I feel like I’m committed and motivated to do my best in our relationship up to the point where we’re past her disappointment and distrust.

Not off the runway just yet, but the engines are finally at power and the nose wheel is lifting…