Dear  Cali Chica:

“It is because of me. Is not her fault”- not true, your sister is as responsible as you are for the relationship between the two of you.

If you are currently abusing  her,  then she  is abusing you no less.

As a child and growing up, you were in a very, very difficult situation. You cannot be  held responsible for a whole lot of what happened there.

Your mother taught you to be loyal to her and to your sister. She taught you to not be loyal to any other, including to your now husband. So, to be  a good  girl you are loyal to your sister and not loyal to your husband.  To be a good girl, according to your mother’s teaching, you must  be  a  bad wife.

Basically you keep helping your sister because your  mother told you that you are a good girl if you do and a bad girl if you don’t.

I wrote to you earlier regarding having no contact with your sister as one of two options. Maybe I was to quick to suggest only two options. A  third option is to no longer help her at all. I mean, really, no help whatsoever.

If you don’t help her at all,  you may be surprised at her reaction. I wonder what it will be. It will definitely give you some much needed  information.

I  feel certain about this: best  you make a firm decision to provide your sister with zero help from now on: no financial help, no practical help (ex., locating an apt), no psychological help (trying to encourage her, push her to  do this or that for her own good, talking to her about  her/your childhood, what you learned  and so forth).

No Help At All.  None.

You are not her mother. She  is not a child.  And although you share the same  parents and  home of origin, the two of you are very  different  people. You have more in common with lots of strangers than you do with your sister.

My sister  and  I also share the  same parents and genes,  but my goodness, we always were so  very  different.

anita