Hi Anita, great summary!

I’m not sure what my power is, maybe the security I bring and the stigma that would be attached to the marriage failing.

I don’t necessarily think that she wants me out, I think it’s more likely that she would just prefer me to be another person that she can control.  If I was submissive, she would maintain her position as the center of attention and center of control – I think this is what she would really like.  In fact, this is what the first few years was like after getting married. I was submissive, and things worked well as long as we spent adequate time visiting MIL, or if going away on holiday bringing her for some of it.  I did put my foot down a tiny bit in the early days so that we would at least have some time away alone, however, now the story is very different and I insist that my partner, children and I always go on holiday alone without MIL.

I fully take on board what you say about power, but I do think I now need to be more accepting while still maintaining some boundaries like holidays.  I have gone too far with my current approach of non-communication and I think I now need to find the middle ground.

Perhaps, I first focus on being amiable (this will be tough; trying to fake it to start with).  However,  whenever I next experience the controlling or putting down behaviour from my MIL – if I’m unable to assertively respond at the time – I make a note and create a pre-canned response for the next time?

If after being amiable, visits start becoming too frequent, I address that by stating to my partner that I would like the next week to spend some time doing the same or similar thing with my family.

Many thanks!