Dear Wanderer:

“The question I really want to ask is how. How can I move on from this and grow into the person I know I can be”-

my answer: by figuring  the why. It is impossible in this context to find an effective How without understanding the Why.

It is painful and  will be painful for you to figure out the why, therefore I will be as gentle  as  I can be as I  suggest this or that Why to you, not  go on and  on about it, a bit here and a  bit there, for as long as you choose to communicate with me on the matter. The purpose is to go through the Why so to be able to do the How.

“My mum has always been a saint in my eyes”- she was  not a saint. As long as you keep this belief that she was a saint, you will also  keep the belief that you were and are the guilty one. Correct these core beliefs and your  healing will be  in progress.

One  more thing I need  to  be clear about: her arguing with you and your sister was always the wrong thing to do, no matter the ages, and whether you were selfish as a teenager. It was  wrong because as she argued her aim was to win and for you to  lose.

“Can I ask why you termed  it (arguments) ‘aggression’?”- because when a person argues with you, she wants  you to lose, to be defeated, to submit. A person defeated doesn’t learn, he submits to power instead of learning. A respectful conversation is different  from arguments, except if  an argument is in the  context  of one  of those  civilized academic exercises regarding controversial topics such as genetic engineering, where the  parties arguing keep their voices low, do not resort to name calling, make threats, shame and  humiliate the others.

Which brings me to  ask you, what  was  her arguing  like: did  she raise her voice, call names, make threats, shame, humiliate, guilt trip, and  so forth?

anita