Dear anita,

I couldn’t sleep well. I felt so worried about him.This is why I truly am toxic! Something is very wrong with me and my problems are much bigger than I thought. It was wrong to call him, bother him, right? My intention was just to finally clear things up, but I think I hurt him. It sounded like he started crying and then he was online on facebook until now, the whole time.

He said on the phone that he didn’t want to continue hurting me, that it was all his fault. It was never my intention to make him feel guilty. Just to finally change things for the better. End this thing or improve it for the better.

Why was I unable to see that I needed to stop this much earlier? I saw signs that this was not going anywhere and that he is not interested. But somehow we continued the exchange, out of politeness? Because none of us was able to say “stop”? I even asked him: “It feels like you are not interested anymore. It would help me very much if you let me know if you still want to stay in contact with me”, after he hadn’t responded in a while. He just said, that he had been sick. But it was probably also the wrong way of asking him. It confused me, that he still wrote back to me, said on a phone call that he wanted me to visit him, that he was just busy and wasn’t not responding to me on purpose. He also said that everyone was mad at him, because he wasn’t responding to them quickly. He also was the one who initiated sex all the time. These things confused me, made me believe he still was interested. I should have seen that he was not.

I am a very sick person. Did I abuse him? I think I did. I was not able to say no, I was not able to protect myself. I let this happen and I hurt him in the process. Now he feels guilty, maybe he feels ashamed. Is what I did to him a form of sexual abuse? It is not what I wanted. He is such a good person, a person that I truly liked. I only want good things for him. I feel like I severely hurt him. I hope he is o.K. That he takes care of himself and heals.

I better don’t try to be in a relationship with someone ever again. I don’t want to hurt people! There is no way for me to live a normal life like others, be in a relationship. I am too sick.

My only hope is that he will be o.K.