Dear Wanderer:

I know this is a challenging  topic, a very challenging  topic. This is why I am surprised and impressed that you replied to me as many times as you had so  far. I will continue to communicate with you on this topic for as long as you choose to, because of these reasons: 1. I think it is necessary for you to address and examine this issue for your own well being,  no way around it. 2. I have done it myself. 3. I know that if you feel too distressed communicating with me, you can stop this communication at any time.

To understand the connection between your experience in your home  of origin, living with your mother, you need to look at what happened then not  through the retroactive understanding of an adult who  is familiar with psychological terms,  and who is focused on her reasons/motivations.  You have to go back to the boy that you were then and how it was for you at the time, and see life from your view at the time.

Problem is we forget a lot.  You probably forgot more than 99% of the  words she used  while  arguing. This is another difficulty we  have when  we try to  understand how it was  then, years  ago.

From very personal experience, I found out  that the information I do not remember is alive in me in the present and makes itself known, without the memories that aren’t there.

In your original post  you wrote: “as soon as I sense  they are ‘into me’, I feel an overwhelming sensation to stop all contact”- this overwhelming sensation  to  stop all contact is the same  sensation you had as a boy, to stop all contact with your mother.

Continued quote: “The more I try to  deny/ ignore this feeling and just ‘run with it’, the more depressed I feel”- this depression is the same depression you felt  as a boy,  living with your mother.

Continued quote: “The longer I go without breaking off contact, the more it ‘eats into me”- again, the experience you had as a child gets activated in the  present, in the context  of your relationships  with  women.

And it doesn’t mean that every aspect in your relationships/ interactions with women is  about your mother. There is the sexual element, the human desire to connect, the social and sexual roles of men and women that society teaches us. These are  not about who your mother was  as an individual.

In your recent post you wrote: “Shame and emotional blackmail were common themes amongst the  daily arguments”- she shamed you, blackmailed you,  this is very much aggression, emotional violence exercised by her against you.

“She could be  so sweet, then turn on an instant”, she turned against you unexpectedly.

How does  a child feel, being attacked, not  knowing the next time, not being able  to predict the next  time?

Well, you know how it feels, it is “the worst feeling in the world”. In my experience, this feeling  is a combination of fear of the attacker, intense anger at the attacker, the urge to run away from or fight the attacker, and heavy guilt for being so angry at my own mother, for thinking how much I wanted to be away from her, feeling that I am a bad person for these things, fighting against myself, conflicted and  confused.

When you end a relationship, the “huge catharsis” is about running away from your mother, escaping the turmoil, doing what you wanted  to do for so long, to get away from her. And  when you do, you feel that much needed freedom from pain, and you “are able to function again and not feel like I am fighting  against myself”.

You wrote, “it has been suggested to me in the past, that by breaking off contact with women, I am reliving the death of my mum”- I don’t think so. I think that it is living with her that you keep reliving,  and that by breaking off contact with women, you are breaking contact with your mother, again and again.

anita