Dear anita,

my parents were overwhelmed I think. They didn’t know how to be parents. My father was especially cruel to me. He seemed to dislike me. And sometimes I think that he saw himself in me? People always said that I looked like him (I was unhappy about that). Once he said to my friend and I (I was slightly overweight at that time) “Here come the two fatties.”. He has weight problems himself.

My father has problems with himself and he is not facing them at all. He wants to appear strong, but I can sense the insecurities easily. He looks for other people’s faults instead of facing his own. he can’t take criticism. He is extremely stiff in his opinions. As a child., I really hated him actually (!). Now we get along better, but he seems to get more and more inflexible as he gets older.

My mother on the other hand seemed overwhelmed and is extremely sensitive. She also went to therapy and is doing better now.

I feel ashamed of my actions. All that I wrote in this thread and previous threads is so shameful. Sometimes I would like to delete them. I’m realizing more and more what my problems are. I see clearer about who I am and I don’t like it. It hurts. But maybe it is better to face the problem. I don’t want to be like my father…

I can’t believe that something similar like with that first man happened again… Why do I do these things?? Of course it is not who I want to be. But somehow, when interacting with others, I too readily submit to their wishes.

The good thing is, it is finally over, the thing with K. The really bad things happened last year, this year it only ended. And from now on I will stay single. I would like to experience love, but it seems impossible for me. Better to focus on building up good friendships. I think I want a more simple life for myself. Nothing special, but calm and filled with doing things that keep my peace of mind. Focusing on the little things.

I am so grateful for having my best friend. She is always on my side and truly believes in me. Even though I am quite open about my problems with her! Yesterday we went for a walk together, she came to visit me, just because I wasn’t feeling well. Today we went to Yoga class together. We will do more sports now, because she needs to lose weight for health reasons. And for me it will also be good, maybe it can help me to become more self assured and relaxed.

I am also thankful for your help, anita! You have helped me through tough times with your words. Even though I am not improving much, you don’t give up on me. I hope you are doing good as well. Please take care of yourself!