Shelby,

That last bit really got to me. The idea of not beating myself up about not wanting to let go just yet despite the fact that I know I should do better. That is very wise and something I should probably be better at accepting, seeing as I cannot accept letting him go just yet. But I think the issue now is that I am embarrassed, I have gone through hell and back for this man and he knows that… I feel that with every chance he just thinks I’m always going to stick around. I say every chance, they’re not real ‘chances’ per say as the issues we are coming across now are those of the past – we both knew that we’d have to work through these if we wanted to make it work, I knew this. But because of the way these issues came up it feels a lot like f up’s in the here and now. Almost like we’re good, then something comes up and breaks us then we start again.. with time were good again and then another thing comes up and we are broken again and have to make the conscious choice to try yet again. Rather than just letting it all out at the beginning and starting on a clean slate to prevent all of this – and that was his choice. I am finding it hard to forgive him for that choice. Because he knows it would bite him in the ass sooner or later!

I think I’m embarrassed and my dignity is fragile as a result of all the ups and downs. Like he’s pushed me to the edge and he knows deep down I’ll stick around… maybe he thinks he can get away with anything because I’ll never really leave? I don’t know. My mind is in overdrive.