Dear Andrea:

You probably forgot that you posted a thread here more than five years ago. I read it and will try to connect it to this thread because I think it may be helpful.

In that thread you wrote about an ex boyfriend “who was  very argumentative and  always wanting  to prove things ‘right”, and not  in the kindest constructive way. My dad (and  my mom… likes to argue for the sake  of argument, and always has ways of coming around what you’re saying. It drives me crazy because it leaves me feeling, again, non-competent,  and unsure of anything: always fearing that I’ll be put down  or argued with. Also, he tends to drive things to personal levels.. it’s gotten to the point where  even in the most  ridiculous situations (when I’m just giving an opinion on something… I feel dread and fear for being  put down by him..

I’ve made some advancements in  that area, by accepting  my dad for who he is… But some part  of me (a little agitated voice just feels so  inferior and  crushed whenever he  finds some way  around a point… some part  of me wants to destroy my self-esteem whenever I do  understand a point that he makes (because then it means that mine is ‘wrong’ and therefore, I’m ‘wrong'”

Earlier in that  thread you wrote: “I have these thoughts… incessant self-doubt and paranoid fears over being put down/ destroyed/ refuted when expressing my views”.

On this thread you shared that you “immediately was attracted  to this guy because he seemed like he had a secret very sweet and  tender part  to him”. You enjoyed sex with him for the pleasure of it and “as a way of connecting with someone”. You don’t value “hooking up and sex as a means  of using people and not having emotional accountability with them”. You noticed that “he was a bit on the cold side at times… being not very expressive, etc..” At one point you asked him “if he was interested in something more serious”, he said no, you were heartbroken. “my instinct told me that it was time  to leave, I ended up staying. We slept  together again”. Later, “We started being more serious”, but you “kept noticing things about him that would  put me off”, an irritation about his quirks, “and I started becoming annoyed with him, at the way he was”.

You wrote: “it was weird because I had worked so  hard to get this more  serious thing with him and  when  I did.. when he  was  more ‘there’, I started hating him for it…I wanted someone who was different, more mature, ‘cooler’, older, who  was ‘smart’ about  the  whole situation, who  would take  control”.

You asked yourself, puzzled about what you want: “you want someone who’s sensitive, but not TOO sensitive? You want someone who is sweet, but not TOO sweet?”

Later, in his absence you felt “this guilt that the problem was  ME… that I was the one messed up”, you missed him terrible, “Yet, a part of me just kept  screaming  and  screaming: enough”

Later you went  to his house, “Again, deep  in me, I had told myself that I wanted this to be over, but also another part  thought that I could  fix it, that we could fix it, and that we could  be happy”.

You wrote: “A relationship is like  a social contract”, and “Looking back how  I wish I could have FREAKING SAT DOWN WITH HIM AND NOT LEFT UNTIL WE HAD UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER COMPLETELY”.

You wrote: “how I wish he could know 1% of how I am feeling right now. How  I wish I could have been actually honest and  authentic with him”, and that you realize “how much I’m willing to ‘change’ and ‘hide  parts of’ for someone else’s love”

Finally, you wrote: “I would greatly appreciate those who can help me dig through this gently and understand what the hell even happened”-

This is my understanding of what  happened: like you wrote, “a relationship  is like  a social contract”. There  was such a contract in your relationship with your father: to gain any bit of his approval, you had to be “willing to ‘change’ and ‘hide parts of (yourself)”. In that relationship you felt an intense  love  for him, an  intense desire that  he will love you back. You badly wanted your father, throughout years and years, to finally “know 1% of how (you are) feeling”, but he didn’t. You wanted  him to  finally understand you, but he didn’t.

You badly tried  to “fix it”, the relationship with your father, that is, but also, you were also angry with him, and wanted  to get away from him, “a part  of me just kept screaming and  screaming: enough”, too tired, exhausted and  frustrated having been  trying for so long, tired of “feeling, again, non competent, and unsure of anything: always fearing that I’ll be put down or argued with”.

I think that you have a desire for a man who will be like your father, “more mature, ‘cooler’, older, who was ‘smart’.. who would take  control”, and change him into a man who will finally know how you feel,  understand that you don’t want to argue, you just want  to be loved.

anita