Disclaimer: Ok, so there’s A LOT of stuff on my mind that I want to talk about, so I really hope that you can keep up with me. It’s my first time in this forum and I’m hoping I can get insight on this situation, as well as connection with all the nice people that seem to linger here. 🙂 I’m going to be as transparent and real as I possibly can so I can understand myself better in the process. I may seem contradictory at times, but I guess all of us are.

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Ok, so back in July 2018 I started getting involved with someone who I had known from my thesis class. At the moment, to give some background, I had been going through a situation where I had been rejected by someone who I had become obsessed about, and, knowing what kind of a state I was in, I had told myself not to get involved with anyone. Alas, I did; I wanted to try something fun and, I guess, secretly, I was looking for a way out of this pain that I was feeling.

He’s younger than me. 5 years to be exact. I’m almost 30 and he’s amost 25.

I immediately was attracted to this guy because he seemed like he had a secret very sweet and tender part to him, and also because he spoke English and had lived in the States (I live in Costa Rica at the moment, but I lived half of my life in the States and as a result, finding someone who I can click with is not that easy). He was cute, smart, sensitive, funny and I decided that I wanted to get to know him better. I had told myself that I didn’t want to start something physical with him (sex) until I actually got to know him better, which is what I had always done with men, and which had sped things up in a bad way. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. I guess, I’m too much of a horndog for that, or I find too much enjoyment in sex (also as a way of connecting with someone). It’s an impulsive side of me that I have to work on.

Anyway, I had been hooked. I liked the guy and I kept going over to his house to sleep with him and hang out. I wondered about the possibility of doing something more serious with him, because, honestly, that’s what I wanted. I’ve never been comfortable with “casual things” and I feel like the world, and, especially, young people, use hooking up and sex as a means of using people and not having emotional accountability with them. It’s like the world is afraid of love and what it implies.

You know when you first meet someone and the rush of it all gets in the way and you’re blind to a lot of personality traits that this person has? That was me. I had noticed that he was a bit on the cold side at times, especially the way we communicated when we texted (things like: taking a while to respond, or being not very expressive, etc, not replying when I sent him funny things/things that I wanted him to see…). One day, while we were hanging out, he told me he didn’t want to hold hands because apparently he used them a lot to talk. Okay…I called bullshit. But figured that he probably didn’t want to go there yet.

A few weeks in, I asked him if he was interested in something more serious. He said, flatly, “no.” That day I was heartbroken, and I ran to his bathroom and cried. He didn’t come for me. I went back to his room, and, though my instinct told me that it was time to leave, I ended up staying. We slept together again. I guess I just didn’t have the impetus or the courage to go.

Some time passed. I tried to talk to him, time and again, about getting into something more serious. He said that he didn’t want to ruin this thing that we had between us, and that, in a way, he wanted both of us to use each other, and just enjoy the moment. And, yet, he texted me constantly about how he wanted my warmth, to be close to me, kiss emojis, things like that.  Finally, it came to this one night where, after asking him what exactly it was that was different about “a relationship” and what we had, he finally said that he didn’t want a dependency thing. I said, of course, that it wasn’t going to be like that. But I wanted to hold off on the sex thing for a while. He agreed. And he agreed under the condition that we would be honest with each other.

Well, the sex thing didn’t last long. We started being more serious. But, again, I kept noticing things about him that would put me off, which, with time, I have come to realize that they are just parts of him, of his personality. However, I guess, at that time, the irritation that started building up around all of these “quirks” got ahold, and I started becoming annoyed with him, at the way he was. I figured, at the time, that it was incompatability. But it was weird because I had worked so hard to get this more serious thing with him and when I did, when he did start texting me more responsively or when he was more “there”, I started hating him for it. I guess that I thought he was like a loser who had first gotten involved with someone, and a part of me hated him for it. I wanted someone who was different, more mature, “cooler”, older, who was “smart” about the whole situation, who would take control….A lot of things that, to this day, I’m still trying to understand. They seem downright contradictory to me. It’s like…okay, you noticed how cold he was, and you resented him for it, but you want someone who’s sensitive, but not TOO sensitive? You want someone who is sweet, but not TOO sweet? At the same time, I feel like some of these wants are valid…You don’t want too much of one side or the other. So, yes, I figured that I had really pinpointed on aspects of him that I couldn’t stand and that maybe (and I say this with a lot of pain) we weren’t compatible with. This is still confusing to me, and I hope that through this thread I can work through them.

Anyway, fast forward to one time I had told him I needed some space. I realized, at that time, how much I actually liked him, and genuinely wanted to work things out with him. I was hoping that he would give me the open space that I needed for him to understand where I was coming from, for me to “deposit” all of my feelings about this situation, and that he would be loving and understanding about the situation. I even wrote him a letter so that I could get everything through. I needed his trust.

It didn’t happen. He was annoyed by the situation and, all through that night, I felt there was no genuine desire for him to meet me in that vulnerable emotional spot with kindness….of course, he was interested in me working through this situation, but his philosophy was always “it all depends on you to figure yourself out.” Now, I understand that nobody should be there to “fix” your insecurities. That is up to you. The best thing they can do is be understanding. And I felt like he never was. A part of me was wounded from there on, and has not been able to reconcile that, and I guess, it’s a big part of what I still carry.

From there on, it kind of all went downhill. I told him that we should go back to being more “friends with benefits” because I was overwhelmed with everything. I started seeing a psychologist, because the whole situation was making me feel extremely anxious. She suggested that we hold off on the sex part and work on the other parts of our relationship, which I told him about. He didn’t want to, thought the whole idea was stupid and that if two people enjoyed something and it made them connect, then they shouldn’t take it away. The irritation kept building. I almost broke up with him at that point, but I didn’t have the courage to. Things were kind of shitty then, until I decided that I needed more love in my life from people who knew how to express it, and, after tossing the idea of leaving him for weeks, I finally felt like the time was right. I told him that I, honestly, couldn’t be with anyone at the moment. He agreed, and he said that it would be good for me to have my own space.

(I’m going to digress here a bit: I’m an aspiring musical theater actress, and, at the time, I was rehearsing intensely for two shows. The shows were about to premiere when I told him that I needed some space but I still wanted him to see them, because he knew how important they were for me. I asked him if he was still going to go and he said that he wouldn’t because he really didnt like that kind of stuff. Ouch. But I understood, I guess, that he was hurt and that he couldn’t be there for me at that time.)

This was when things got hard. I was suddenly faced with his abscence and, deep down, this guilt that the problem was ME. That I could have been perfectly happy and functional but the problem was me and my codependency and my anxiety and that I was the one messed up. Yet, I couldn’t go back with him because I didn’t want us to go through another shit fest where I didn’t know what I wanted. And yet, I missed him. Terribly. I felt guilty and I missed him. Yet, a part of me just kept screaming and screaming: enough.

A few weeks ago I contacted him again because I wanted to let him know that I had no hard feelings for him and that I cared for him. He accepted. I even tried to see him again for coffee, but he blew me off, under the excuse that he had been hungover that day, had to clean and that he had another party to go to that day. That hurt. He didn’t care for me to the point where I cared for the situation.

Anyway, I kept insisting and we finally found a time to see each other. I went to his house, with really no plan in mind but to know what his feelings were about the situation and how he had processed the whole thing. Again, deep in me, I had told myself that I wanted this to be over, but also another part thought that I could fix it, that we could fix it, and that we could be happy.

That night, I asked him what he thought about the whole thing. He basically told me that he was never angry at me, that he was “about” to help me with my situation, and that he was still physically and emotionally attracted to me. I told him that what I aspired to was a stable relationship with someone, where I could build something with someone. He told me that “stability is within me”. I never freaking understood what he meant by that. He also said that he thought expectations kill relationships and that he didn’t believe in them for that. I didn’t answer to him what I actually thought of that, because I guess I was understanding of him and his ideas. But, honestly, you DO need to expect something from someone in relationships. You DO need accountability. A relationship is like a social contract.

Anyway, I ended up staying with him, and we even brought up the “not going to the shows thing”. He said that, though, he recorgnized that he needed the space, no one should be forced to go to something they don’t want to go. I don’t know about you guys but if my significant other wanted me to go to convention on neuroscience, I would go, even if I didn’t understand a thing being said, because I care for that person. A feeble attempt to explain that was what I said to him, and he kissed me and said to let him know when the next concert would come around cause he wanted to go. We left not really amounting to a satisfactory amount of understanding. It was enjoyable being with him, though. Our lovemaking was super passionate that night because I think we had let our guard down and we were honest about how much we liked each other. That’s the part that hurts the most, I think. That I think the most we could ever be sincere with each other was physically and that it was real and true in those moments.

Looking back how I wish I could have FREAKING SAT DOWN WITH HIM AND NOT LEFT UNTIL WE HAD UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER COMPLETELY. I had not actually talked to him, as I intended to.

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Upon leaving the dude, a part of me told me that I shouldn’t be in that situation anymore. And yet, in the past few weeks, I have been the one making all the texts and contacting him. And being anxious about having him reply. On Christmas eve and New Years too. He’s on a family trip right now and on the 25th I told myself “Okay, let HIM do the looking.” I’m not going to look for him again. If he’s really interested, let him express that.

To this day, he has not sent me, on his account, a single text (though I understand he has been traveling and probably has other things in mind). On the 31st, after receiving a simple “Happy New Years!” from him, I thing my resistance to the situation finally gave way and I knew that enough was enough. That this situation had been extended too far and that it was time to be over and to move on. That I deserve better for me, someone who is there for me and who shows it, who I can deposit my trust into, who I know is going to be there for me at the end of the day.

And that’s where I’m at right now.

It’s been incredibly hard to let him go. And that’s the main issue here, isn’t it? That not all was bad, that I really did have feelings for him, and that I fell for a lot of him, but we never really built that trust. That we suffer horrible communication problems. And that maybe we are more incompatible than I can confess to. And yet, when nightime comes, I miss him again, and I start thinking and feeling that I was the one that was wrong, and that I could have worked things out. One thing I have come to realize is the maturity to know that he is who he is, and that he’s not a bad person, but is just where he’s at in life. And I’m where I’m at, and I have different needs and expectations of someone who is romantically involved with me. I talked to a wise friend who told me that, in the end, there are no perfect relationships and that every relationship is going to bring out a dynamic where the two of you are going to be put in a situation to grow….But I guess I just don’t have the courage and too much of a fear of being alone to decide that this shit fest is not MY kind of shit fest.

My heart can’t seem to let him go, though my logical mind and my intuition keep telling me otherwise.

So I go through my days, daydreaming sometimes about him, and missing him other times or feeling sad, but then knowing deep down that this is possibly the best decision I could have taken. Stll, the very sneaky bug of guilt resides within me. Sometimes, I even get jolts where I’m like “no, I should talk to him and figure stuff out and fix it.” I can’t help but to recognize that a lot of things were left unsaid and always misunderstood and how I wish he could know 1% of how I am feeling right now. How I wish I could have been actually honest and authentic with him. And, also, what breaks my heart is this desire that he had to see one of my concerts and that never possibly happening.

Believe me, this has been a hell of a growing opportunity for him and for that I’ll always be thankful for him. I’ve realized just how much I’m willing to go through for attachment. How much I’m willing to “change” and “hide parts of” for someone else’s love. I’ve been doing so much introspection. But I would greatly appreciate those who can help me dig through this gently and understand what the hell even happened.

So much love and wishing you all have a good 2019.