Dear anita,

I think you are right. What happens in our childhood, shapes who you become. I was given the feeling that I am disgusting.

But that is the past. I understand that my problems come from an unhappy childhood. But the thing is, in the present I am behaving in disgusting ways. It was never my intention, I only wanted to do the right things. I just wanted to be kind and do what is right.

I think I need to listen more to my gut feelings and ask myself more what I truly want. I was not feeling good about seeing K. last year. Even when I first met him, I didn’t want to go on a walk with him just after I had met him. It was too quick for me. But somehow I couldn’t say no! Out of politeness I think. Somehow I’m always disregarding my own feelings when I’m with others.I try to notice my own feelings more now. When a friend asked me yesterday if we want to meet today and go to a gallery, I declined. Because I was not feeling well. She accepted it without questioning me and all was o.K. This is just a little thing, maybe even meaningless, but maybe it’s a start.

Maybe when my parents told me that crying was blackmailing and other things, I learned that I cannot trust in myself. Now I don’t trust my feelings and look for what others want.

At the moment I feel so disgusted with myself. I try to stay positive… but my problems are very severe. I think if I don’t attempt to be in a relationship, things can’t go too wrong. But I don’t know how to fix myself and I feel pretty hopeless and am filled with self-hate these days. I’m also very unproductive at the moment. Thankfully, next week my classes start again.