Shelby,

Thank you so much for your kind words. My heart is so heavy right now. Strangely, it is a mixture of extreme pain and almost a numbness, emptiness. One moment I feel it all and the next I am completely blank.

I exploded yesterday. I really really did. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream or shout but I knew my soul had enough.

Of course today I am re-living everything and my ex is more than apologetic holding on to hope of an ‘us’ once things have calmed down. Typical. I have promised myself a fair shot. I told him I want absolutely no contact with him for at least the next week whilst I figure stuff out in my head. Again, the tiny little doubt of ARE YOU SURE THIS IS REALLY IT is creeping up and I am beginning to wonder if I am actually normal at this point. Is there anything that this man can actually do to make me walk away? Or have I just become that woman that you always read about and think WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO YOUR OWN SELF?!!!!!!!!!

I met up with a friend this evening who split with her partner of 5 years last week. Don’t get me wrong she is hurt, you can see but she is doing so god damn well. She is really into her spiritualism and the law of the universe and we were discussing the whole thing over dinner and I literally didn’t have a leg to stand on. She said she wants nothing more than to be with her ex, but right now at this point in time she knows it is not right for them to be together, she knows that, her gut is telling her that, so she broke things off. I asked her that taking into consideration that she loves him and actually wants a future with this man is she not worried that allowing him all this time on his own and actually the push and idea to move on away from one another will mean that they will never reconcile a relationship and actually do go their separate ways? Her answer was so clear cut. ‘If there is a point in my life where I feel it is right to get back with him, and my gut, my soul, my heart yearns for him and I knock on that door and it is closed, then it was never meant to be in the first place and I saved myself a lot of heartache in the long run.’

Just like that. That simple.

And yet here I am broken to what feels like beyond repair and now the anger is wearing off my doubt around my decision is creeping in and although I was sure sure yesterday, I no longer am. I am so disappointed with myself to even have those thoughts creep up in my head after everything. I am beyond words.