Shelby,

I guess you’re right. I do need some time out and I am entitled to feeling as shitty as I do.

I was discussing the whole situation with a friend of mine this morning, the same friend who has been with me through thick and thin throughout the whole thing. She shed some light on the fact that the circumstances around this aren’t exactly not in his favour, what he’s messed up on is the fact that we were already in a very fragile position and (whether that was his reason to whithols truth or not) he did it anyway and as a result abused the trust that was always so unconditional between us in a major way.

That was a major red flag for me. I still keep replaying all of the truths in my head and I actually had to say aloud at one point today STOP DOING THIS!!! YOU ARE TORTURING YKUESELF, YOU DONT NEED TO TORTURE YOURSELF LIKE THIS!!

I’ve managed to keep distracted for the day. The morning was probably the worst part of it all as I really felt the pain then more than any other point of the day, to my surprise I even managed to cry a little. My only disappointment is that as the day went on and the anger wasn’t so fresh anymore my pure stupidity, clearly, decided to do the thing I do best, see and understand two sides to the story, analyse, over-think and as a result the feelings of ‘Am I sure this is the right decision for me?’ creeped right back in.

Again, my friend shed some light on this from a different perspective. Bless her heart considering she really does not approve of him at all at this stage she is trying to be as understanding as she possibly can be. She explained that perhaps the reason why I cannot physically let go at this present moment in time is because maybe his role in my life is not yet finished. For one, going back to the trauma I experienced in June, and with this being only the beginning of my journey to healing from that, I am still somewhat reliant on him to pick me up in the dark moments. And if not pick me up then just be there as he is literally the only person who can get through to me there and then. I realise this sounds so unhealthy but that is literally my truth. It has been like that right from the start. She believes that I have indeed outgrown the relationship itself (hence the lack of energy to put any real work) but I can’t quite afford to let it go just yet so that as I move through my healing I’ll come to my own conclusions and ease away from him – I.e not be so afraid of essentially ending my life if my ‘safeplace’ (him) is not around. I’ll learn ways to be self-sufficient that way on my own.

Also, there is a major major major trigger date fast approaching for me around the trauma now in the next 3 weeks. I have no real idea how I am going to deal with this. No clue whatsoever. I’ve never had to deal with this before so it is a complete unknown. And knowing just how bad/how low I got over the summer I am simply afraid of that happening again because it was terrifying. So again, at all costs I am trying create a ‘safe space’ for myself to try and get through this time – and at this point in time he is a major part of that. She believes I will be in a much different place this time next year and I will be able to deal with this all by myself and far away from him.

I didn’t take any of that into consideration. I tend to separate my trauma from my relationship completely forgetting that they are so closely entertained, in fact they branch off of one another so it sounds like a reasonable explanation for this whole ordeal. Other than that it must be pure stupidity. Because I feel stupid.