Kkaxso,

You said it yourself, he is the biggest asshole on the planet.  And yet you still want to be with him.  You talked about a difficulty in June. I believe that any relationship is not “real” until the parties face a challenge and be able to work though it. You said it broke both of you.

It seemed that neither of you made any effort to learn and grow from that experience. It sounded like you did not figure out how to deal with differences, difficulty and conflict. There was no maturing of the relationship.
Love is a funny thing. It’s hormones and there is mature love that comes after the stars-in-your-eyes phase.
We tend to love to what was familiar to us when we were growing up (look up Attachment Theory).

I recommend healing on your own. Which means stepping away, cutting off all contact and focusing on evaluating why you are so attached to such a person. Heal from that. Gain self awareness on why you were attracted to such a man and still are.

Mark