Natalie,

Wow I am in absolute awe of you to have managed to pull through this for the last 15 years, I am absolutely exhausted so I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Although I can understand that probably the idea of leaving (which undoubtably crept up to your mind many times) seemed more devastating than staying in hindsight.

It is such an extremely difficult situation as our relationship was borderline perfect prior to our first initial split, prior to that traumatic event that took place. It changed me, and it very clearly changed him. The difference is I am trying to heal, I am going to therapy and trying my best to learn to cope whilst he seems to be a complete car crash, taking everything in sight along with him.

I most definitely do not want to waste so much time on this man. Not the man that he is today. This is not the man that I fell in love with. The Man I was with for three years was kind, caring, oh so considerate, romantic. Not any of what he is now.

One of my very close friends explored the idea that I may not be able to let go of him just yet because his story in my life is not yet finished. I have a major trigger date soon upcoming and he has always been my source of comfort in dark times, she believes that although I may have outgrown the romantic relationship itself I just cannot afford to take that comfort away from myself because I know where the dark road leads – throughout the summer I was often suicidal and quite frankly it is terrifying! He was the only person at the time who managed to even remotely take me out of that horrible zone. And there may be some sense to that, otherwise holding on is pure stupidity. I read somewhat into this and came across the notion of ‘trauma bonding’ and it was a real slap in the face. Although he has never physically or emotionally abused me per say, the relationship has turned toxic and it is not something that I ever imagined being a part of. Prior to our relationship I was such a strong, worthy, confident woman! I was like that throughout our relationship too – until I needed him like never before and he walked away (around the time of the trauma) and it seems to have triggered all of this now.

As Mark mentioned, the attachment theory, this crazy and irrational need for him to be around otherwise I will not survive despite knowing better.

Mark – thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I will most definitely do more reading into the attachment theory and try to explore this with my therapist also. I have an extremely strong feeling that the trauma the two of us experiences has an awful lot to do with the toxicity of the situation and also his constant self destructive pattern (which to me and his family members is completely out of character) and my complete and utter need for him to be in my life (again, out of character for me).