Oh Kkasxo, I know you are hurting bad but you are brave whether you feel it or not at the moment. Each time you try to escape this toxic relationship is that small brave part of you standing up for yourself, knowing you deserve and want better, given a stronger voice when fueled by your anger to override all the other voices that exist in our heads, hearts & gut.   I know you think it is your more rational self trying to see a balanced, fair picture once you cool down but ask yourself honestly, isn’t it as much the voice of fear, panicking about letting him go whilst you don’t know or have any evidence or knowledge on how to live or be happy without this relationship.

You sound like you have a couple of great friends supporting you through this, which is huge. Trust me, I would put money on your friend who’s just split is hurting just as much about splitting up, but she’s ‘only’ dealing with the pain of leaving a relationship she’s decided isn’t right for now – it sounds like you are dealing with a whole load of other issues too as well as not being clear in your head that this is the best thing for you, which is just so so so tiring, right.

Love is an amazing thing but healthy love beyond those heady first months is a messy wonderful but very different thing. It’s healthy to know you could live without him if needed, you just simply want to be together very very much and you are able to work your way through problems instead of avoiding dealing with them. It’s a world apart from needing to be with someone because it’s the only way you feel safe and able to deal with what life throws at us.  It sounds like you have a very dependent relationship instead of inter-dependent and very much like my first relationship. Honestly, the best thing you can do to give this relationship a chance bizarrely is to stay away, become independent, happy again and then see if being with him adds to your happiness instead of taking from it.

Low self-esteem is often behind dependent relationships too, making it hard to stick to your boundaries of what you want from the relationship, e.g. trust – and sometimes even prompting that voice in your head to question if anyone else will ever be able to love or want you, even . Crazy I know but sadly true.  A balanced life is about more than a relationship, it’s about friends, family, health, work, hobbies, self-growth and so on – what else in your life could you work on to help feel better about yourself instead of concentrating all your mental energy on this relationship. Shelby’s suggestion on developing some different coping mechanism’s for your upcoming difficult period is a brilliant one for sure.

Realise I said I’d butt out – but I hate hearing you hurt so badly so hope it helps. We’re all rooting for you!