Shelby,

I am so glad to hear that you have managed to keep Martha at a distance! My Martha equivalent is literally beating the crap out of me at the moment. As I read more and more into Trauma Bonding I think I am more and more in shock. How did I get here?!

As I continue to struggle to understand myself, I am trying to do as much reading as possible to explore different ideas. Some I can most definitely relate to and are a real eye opener. So for now I will continue exploring.. 

I think trauma does really change people, it has definitely changed me and it has changed him for the worse. I am lost, he is too. He has admitted that several times, that he underestimated just how much things have affected him. Often, not even in the worst of situations he struggled to find a reason for his certain behaviours/reactions. He admitted that he feels lost, that he cant quite grasp his way of thinking or doing right now and even went as far as saying that he would like to maybe attend therapy too. I have this major longing and crazy belief that after the beautiful years we had together, we owe it to one another to heal together.. that that is what should’ve happened in the first place, we should’ve never separated and instead go through all of this together and help one another get through it. I know that at this point in time I cannot afford to loose the only source of comfort (him) I have in my dark times. Although they do not come as often as they used to, they do still come and they come in heavy each time. Maybe he feels the same? Maybe none of this is love anymore. Maybe we have both outgrown the idea of us ever really reconciling the romantic relationship but we just have this unhealthy bond with one another because of the trauma and all the effects of this on our lives in the here and now.

It almost feels like we are both in a world where it is just me and him. And only we know the trauma, and only we feel the effects of it and only we can help one another and no other person will quite understand it? I can’t kick the image of who he used to be for many years. How I knew him. I feel guilty for walking away when he may indeed be needing me the most right now because of the trauma, and I get that, because I need him too and I would be devastated if he walked away. How can I fail someone who needs me more than ever? Isn’t that what love, relationships, friendships are supposed to be about? The reality is life is shitty, but sometimes you find people who just ride it out with you regardless of how bad it gets, and eventually you are thankful for those people. How can I decide to not be that person for him?

But the on the other hand why do I feel personally responsible for his well being when he did exactly that, leave me when I needed him the most? I understand he was dealing with things in his own way at the time but is this just because we are different people and I just would’ve never done that to him? Or is it because I truly love him and he just doesn’t truly love me enough to have stayed?

Can you tell I’m in absolute overdrive?! I realise I sound like a crazy lady right now.

I did indeed manage to get myself into work today but I must admit I am doing the absolute bare minimum. I can’t quite focus on work at the moment with everything going on. I did however manage to have a few hours undisturbed sleep last night so that is a start. I haven’t been eating well the last week or so. In fact, I had to remind myself to eat something yesterday at 8pm because I realised I hadn’t eaten at all! I have been suffering with terrible acne for the past two weeks or so also (I have always had perfectly clear skin), my body is really starting to show the signs of distress now.

Throughout my communication with my friend yesterday I said to her, ‘I do not recall my split from my ex (partner I had before this) ever ever everrrrrrrrrr being even remotely close to this’. Granted, I was young and thought I was in love, it was love to me at the time, but it was never my future so maybe that was the reason why I didn’t suffer when letting go. Or maybe it is really the truma and the idea of isolation, that only me and him have this unspeakable bond because we are the only ones who truly understand because experienced this together that is making this so complex.