I don’t know if I have actually grown or progressed as such. This is just a week where I’m a little more rational, but honestly, I think it could all be hormones. I really want to be with my ex, I’ll not deny that, the only reason I want to be self sufficient on my own is that I and those who love me CANNOT go through another breakdown with me. So I need to be stronger. We’ll see. I may cave in again. We spoke on NYE when he agreed to meet up in the coming week, but now I haven’t contacted him and kind of don’t want to in a way. My therapist had said that meeting him last time gave me more of an idea of where things lay, so in that sense it wasn’t a bad decision. So maybe, I am realising where things lie and now I don’t want to meet him because I don’t want my suspicions confirmed. Quite plausible for me if I’m honest.

Honestly Kkasxo, I would be there with you on the upcoming date if I could. You need kindness and understanding and support, so whatever I can give you online here, I will do. It is noble of you to want to protect your family, a truly kind person, an empath. Can i just throw in a little thorn? That is you again putting others needs before your own. You shouldn’t really be wearing that burden. My sister was so upset at my distress last autumn and she is pregnant so she was even more torn up and emotional and I worried about burdening her so much, but one day she said to me, ‘look, you need support, that’s what family is for. I care about you and want to help you so don’t worry about me or burdening me. If it gets too much for me on any given day or week, then I will tell you and I will look after myself first and there will be plenty other family members to step in until I’m strong enough again” and when she said that, it really put my mind at ease and eased some of the guilt.

I don’t think you will be as bad for this date as you are perhaps predicting. It will be horrendous, but you’re not the same woman you were last summer, you survived the darkest of hours….that means you’re stronger, it’s a fact, whether you acknowledge it or not. You also have a therapist to keep you on track and all of us on here who you can talk to day or night. Talking about it with your therapist, over time, will help you heal. You will heal, you’re self aware enough to get help and you’re strong and astute, though I completely understand you feel broken today.

As for work – it’s Jan 7th…..nobody is doing anything in work today!!!!!