Shelby,

You most definitely have progressed. It is not to say that that need to be with your ex has disappeared, it may well still be there but your approach to it has altered. Right now it is about you and you first. YOU want to be stronger whatever the outcome with your ex and that is major progress. I am so glad to hear this! You are doing so so so well!

It is lovely to hear that your sister was and still is a major support network for you. I suppose in a way maybe my family would do the same but yes like you say, I am putting their needs before mine. Despite the real struggle that I am going through I believe I can handle this better than them maybe, I don’t want to cause them any more pain by re-opening wounds. What if they too are struggling and I just don’t know about it? It’s a tough one because when it comes to the trauma, honestly, I can only openly discuss this with my ex and my therapist. Even my most supportive friend when she opens up the conversation I shut down. I don’t mean to but it is still just very raw and i’d rather avoid the conversation all together, goes back to my coping mechanism of shutting everything out.

Probably the reason why I can speak to my ex is 1.) he was the only other person who truly experienced this with me 2.) I guess somewhere in myself I blame him for a lot of it. So it is easier to express the pain to him knowing that I can also let it be known that I believe he is to blame (he is not fully, and I am aware of that) I just think when you are hurting it is easier to shift blame maybe?

I am hoping you are right in that this date will come and go, and will be tough but not as tough as I am maybe preparing myself for.