Dear Eriads:

Combining the information you provided about this man and the relationship from your two threads, here is a summary:

He is 43, divorced. You met him on Bumble. First month of the relationship went well and ended with the mutual decision to have an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  Second month was that of exclusive bf/gf relationship. At the beginning of the third month, he confided in you that “he’s not ready for a full-blown relationship since his divorce was just finalized”. He asked you to remain friends, you agreed. He then texted and called you “even more than he had before” and the two of you had “long, deep talks about his divorce, his feelings about his ex, his family, etc.”. Third month then was spent as excellent friends, but not as a bf/gf. You felt it was a FWB arrangement.

At about the beginning of the fourth month, you told him you want to go back to the bf/gf exclusive relationship. His response: “He became very emotional and upset and was apologizing and saying how much he hated this situation and how confused he was about life”. The relationship pretty much ended at that point, three months after the first date.

You then found out that throughout those three months he communicated with a love interest he knew from high school, a  woman who lived in Hawaii for a year following his divorce. After the ending of the three months relationship with you he flew to Hawaii to meet his love interest and was disappointed, figured out “she was not the person he thought she was”, and flew away after a couple of days. Following that, he contacted you, telling you about this woman for the  first time, “almost in tears”, telling you “how badly he screwed up”, that “her misses me and  I’m the  one he really wants to  be with”.

My input: he was conflicted during those three months but didn’t tell you about the woman in Hawaii. There is deceit there. It is a problem. I suppose his deceit was not done in cold heart, because he was emotional, cried and was very upset at times. I think he needs time and some healing to do before you can depend on him to remain the same toward you. Does  he attend therapy?

anita