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Relationship Plot Twist

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  • January 7, 2019 at 7:11 am #272773
    Eriads
    Participant

    Well, this might be the weirdest relationship situation I’ve ever been here but here goes…

    Just found out my ex-BF of 3 months was secretly having a long-distance relationship with a girl he reconnected with from high school. The relationship started before me. It actually started when his marriage began to fall apart about a year ago.

    The girl he was having a relationship with lives in Hawaii, so there was nothing physical- it was mainly just emotional and nostalgic.

    The three months we were together were great. There was absolutely no indication that anything was wrong. We spent a ton of time together, talked/texted every day, always had fun when we were together. Things were progressing, at least I thought so.

    About 3 months in, he confides in me that he’s having trouble committing to a relationship with me due to his recent divorce. He had a lot of emotional issues to work on but he wanted to remain friends because I was amazing, fun, good person, etc. He said at some point in the future he would like to reach out to me and perhaps see where things could go, but now was not the time.

    I totally understood, wished him well and moved on. No hard feelings whatsoever.

    It’s been about a month since we last had any contact. Yesterday he calls me out of the blue, tells me he’s made a huge mistake, that he’s an idiot and he needs to talk. He then goes on to tell me that he’s in Hawaii! I thought, wow, cool, you’re on vacation but no. The reason he flew out there was because this girl he had been having a long-distance relationship with convinced him to fly to Maui and reconnect in person after all those years. I was dumb founded. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life; he realized immediately that she was not the person he thought she was . The meeting ended badly; he packed his things after only a couple of days and left.

    Now he’s telling me this completely out of the blue! He’s almost in tears, telling me how badly he screwed up and he understands if I never want to speak to him again, but he’s realized that he misses me and I’m the one he really wants to be with.

    I feel so confused, hurt, and at the same time sad for him.  The whole situation is so messed up! I guess I don’t know what advice I’m asking for, other than what should I do next? Do I give him another chance? What do I say to him ?

    Please help me put some perspective together. I would really appreciate it. Thank you in advance 🙂

    January 7, 2019 at 8:02 am #272785
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eriads:

    Combining the information you provided about this man and the relationship from your two threads, here is a summary:

    He is 43, divorced. You met him on Bumble. First month of the relationship went well and ended with the mutual decision to have an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  Second month was that of exclusive bf/gf relationship. At the beginning of the third month, he confided in you that “he’s not ready for a full-blown relationship since his divorce was just finalized”. He asked you to remain friends, you agreed. He then texted and called you “even more than he had before” and the two of you had “long, deep talks about his divorce, his feelings about his ex, his family, etc.”. Third month then was spent as excellent friends, but not as a bf/gf. You felt it was a FWB arrangement.

    At about the beginning of the fourth month, you told him you want to go back to the bf/gf exclusive relationship. His response: “He became very emotional and upset and was apologizing and saying how much he hated this situation and how confused he was about life”. The relationship pretty much ended at that point, three months after the first date.

    You then found out that throughout those three months he communicated with a love interest he knew from high school, a  woman who lived in Hawaii for a year following his divorce. After the ending of the three months relationship with you he flew to Hawaii to meet his love interest and was disappointed, figured out “she was not the person he thought she was”, and flew away after a couple of days. Following that, he contacted you, telling you about this woman for the  first time, “almost in tears”, telling you “how badly he screwed up”, that “her misses me and  I’m the  one he really wants to  be with”.

    My input: he was conflicted during those three months but didn’t tell you about the woman in Hawaii. There is deceit there. It is a problem. I suppose his deceit was not done in cold heart, because he was emotional, cried and was very upset at times. I think he needs time and some healing to do before you can depend on him to remain the same toward you. Does  he attend therapy?

    anita

     

    January 7, 2019 at 12:37 pm #272863
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Eriads,

    I would not go back to him. Not this year, at least. If you go back to him NOW, you are giving him the message that your relationship is cheap, something to be picked up and discarded whenever.

    Has he learned a lesson? I bet he has! But he gave you a song and dance about his divorce, yet he was courting this girl in Hawaii. Don’t feel too bad for him.

    Maybe next year you can be friends. JUST friends.

    You broke up for a reason.

    The reason is he’s an idiot.

    Best,

    Inky

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