Dear anita,

today I’m feeling so-so…. A little bit worse. I can feel a lot of anxiety and stress in my body, as I often did after my interactions with K. didn’t go right. I wish I would have paid more attention to these feelings and asked myself why I am feeling this way. It shouldn’t be like that in a good relationship or friendship. This is what my therapist meant, I think,  when she said that I don’t describe my feelings, but only situations and should pay more attention to my feelings. It is a little sign of progress that I am noticing this more now, I hope. I really really hope it is, as I am feeling so crazy.

Sadly, I still worry a lot about what K. thinks of me now. Probably that I am crazy. But it shouldn’t be my concern and doesn’t matter for my life.

Yesterday I also worried about all the personal things I wrote in this thread. It is maybe not normal to share such personal things online. What if someone finds out? I’m sometimes wondering, if it is possible to delete all my threads? But they also helped me, you helped me. And I couldn’t talk so openly with people in my everyday life so often. Sometimes I tell my best friend about my struggles and she is really supportive, but I don’t want to talk too much about it.

Regarding your post: I want to stick to my resolutions, as I really want to get better! Also questioning my thoughts like you suggested to me many times before, will be helpful to me.

Can I ask you something, though? Please don’t be offended, but could you please not write to me in third person like you did here: “what Lily  wants”. I know you probably didn’t mean it to be patronizing, but it makes me feel like a child and uncomfortable. I know that you said that I am like a child. I realize that I have a lot of work and growing up to do. You can also tell me, if you feel that I am like a child or anything else that you want to tell me. I prefer that you are honest and don’t sugarcoat things for me. Actually, I appreciate your honesty. I think that I need to hear these things and I am open for criticism. I think I am just trying to assert myself more here, that is all. Please don’t take it personally.

When it comes to my perfectionism, it is mostly related to my art or career. But also, if I go on a hike with my brother, I would probably prepare some time consuming food (but I don’t know if that is a problem in this case, maybe I just like to cook some good food…).

But when it comes to my art, it can be a problem, because it keeps me from finishing projects. I am seldomly satisfied, I take too much time or don’t even get started. When I see the works of others, I sometimes get discouraged, especially if they are in the same class as me. If I am seeing art in a museum or read a good graphic novel, I can appreciate the artwork more and get inspired. The people at my art school are so good! And I have a different style than most. Art is actually the one area, where I am more confident. I know that I have some talent, even my professors like it, I mean I can feel they truly like it, when I get something done. When just focusing on my own projects, sometimes I feel happy and confident. But then I look at others and get insecure and get nothing done. In the last months though, I felt like I improved a little bit in this area. My recent drawings felt more like they were truly me.