Shelby,

It may well be linked to your hormones but the fact that you are approaching it the way that you are is incredible. One step at a time, dealing with the moment rather than dwelling on what is to come next. That is major progress.

Yes exactly. He has already expressed his remorse etc and at the moment it has not changed anything for me. In fact, I don’t buy it. As sad as it sounds I just do not buy it right now. I understand human beings are complicated creatures who mistakes at the best of times, but conscious choices that you do not seem to learn from are not those. They are perhaps a part of the persons personality, intentions or whatever else. I am not interested in hearing the reasoning behind things right now. I am angry, hurt and feel absolutely betrayed. That isn’t shifting right now so as much as I would love nothing more than to reach out to him, there is no use in that.

I am yet again in one of my lower moments, journaling every moment I can to refrain from contact. It is beyond my understanding why I would even want to contact him right now. Silly if you ask me.

I bought an inspirational 2019 diary a few weeks back that I forgot about and came across yesterday. It is crazy because in the first week of January (and I had written this at some point in October maybe) I put my motivational quote for the week as ‘Every end is a new beginning’.. well ain’t that the truth!

This week it is ‘People change, that’s a fact of life. Sometimes we have to accept that the person we once loved no longer exists though their heart beats on and their lungs draw breath’. Just a little reminder to myself. I am also trying to remind myself that his actions do not reflect on me but completely on him. It is not my fault.

Did you manage to find a new hair dresser in the end? I remember you saying you needed to change as your previous was in your ex’s area. I will be going to get my nails done today and then my friend will be coming to stay the night with me. We will probably get a workout in and have a few drinks as we do. I have also scheduled myself in for a consultation tomorrow for non-surgical nose reshaping. Something I’ve been wanting to do for as long as I can remember but always put off. I thought why not! Maybe it’ll boost my confidence a little bit? I am trying to put as much effort into my self at the moment, exercising, eating healthy, booking in facials etc, actually going to schedule an appointment for the doctors to deal with my extreme breakouts of acne now! Gotta start somewhere.

I guess I am just trying to keep busy, distracted, and to do as much for myself as I possibly can!