Thank you Anita and Inky for your responses and I am sorry to also respond so late. I took a break from things in the last few days because everything is so overwhelming for me right now. I have to put up this facade that I am okay because people around me don’t actually understand the problems I have with my father. Most of them, when I tell them I decided to put an end to anything that has to do with my father, their first reaction is “You can’t do that. He’s your father. Be upset, but you can’t just cut him out from your life. Try to make thing right.” And this feels like a deep cut right through my sanity. Because all these people tell me it’s wrong what I do, than there’s all the emotions and thoughts that come from what my father said and did… I decided. I don’t want to talk to him or see him, but I have these moments, especially when I wake up, when I feel so guilty. My mind has this idea that it’s my fault and I can’t get rid of it.

Anita, as a child I believe I did have that image of him, although now I know I shouldn’t have. But with time this image faded and all that was left was this monstrous thing that I don’t know how to face (is it okay to call it that?). Or maybe I can choose not to face it and just move on. I know that’s what I want. I always gave him chances after chances. I always told myself “this is the last time I will ever give him a chance”, but soon after I ended up doing the same once he would also commit the same mistakes or having the same attitude and behaviour towards me.  My mom is nowhere perfect. She did what she did in those circumstances. Sometimes I blame her, but then I try to wake up from that and try not too because I know her situation wasn’t the best either. She was lied and cheated, she was young and she had a child she didn’t know how to raise because she had no money, no home, no food on the table. I also am now conscious that as a mother she could have done more. Like get a job. But my father, from what I know, had a big influence over her too. Because of him she also probably became something she didn’t want. I remember her crying almost every night (we were sleeping in the same room). She would turn her back at me and just cry until she fell asleep. Because of that I made the decision to never show how much all of that hurts me, so I usually cried when no one was around or I would pretend that I’m going to the bathroom, cry for a few minutes in there, wash my face afterwards and put up a mask once I came out of the bathroom. But all that, suppressing my feelings so much, turned into anger and frustration over time. I became an over the top shy child with anger issues because I could never really tell someone what was going on with me. I couldn’t speak to my mother or with anyone else. My father always yelled at me or ignored me completely. And there is so much hurt behind everything he did and said since I can remember.

I actually think I developed agoraphobia since that time because it was very difficult for me to go outside. My mother used to basically drag me out. I just felt anxious and afraid to go out by myself or with anyone. I didn’t know back than what those feelings where, but I know now. I’ve started being suicidal since I was 13. My mother only found out when I was 20. I believe she chose to ignore the signs because even after she found out and everything became even more serious, she didn’t seem to care much. She left me all alone, with no one to care for me when I was unable to. At some point in my teen years I realised I needed help when I cut myself too deep and I was so afraid of being lonely that I got into a relationship I didn’t wanted (my mother left me by myself when I was in the 11th grade and moved into another city). That relationship was what I hold on to because I had no one else. It was a hard time for myself because over time, that relationship also became toxic. I think that’s when things got worse for me and because once I got into college my father was a constant in my life that just turned everything upside down even more and that’s when things got from bad to worse to madness.

Inky, your response was an eye opener for me. Believe it or not, the Universe somehow showed this to me today. I was on the internet looking for some information and from one to another, I found a blog post about narcissistic fathers. I read it and all morning I read about it this topic because it felt so true to me. Everything I could found on the internet about this was the precise description of my father. I even told about it to my husband because that’s how exact everything was. Then I logged in here and saw your response and I was like “I’m not the only one seeing this. I’m not imagining this only to make myself feeling better.” So I thank you for that and I am grateful for you, and Anita, taking the time to give me an answer. Because it actually made me have a little confidence in me and in my decision.

I try to stay away from any relatives, but is hard. Especially with my grandmother, because I don’t want to make her suffer. I called her yesterday and I didn’t finished my conversation with her that my father’s sister was already on the phone asking me all kinds of questions about my personal life. And that wasn’t actually something I wanted to talk to her because she’s gossipy and she’s more similar to my father than I would like to admit. I don’t want to make my grandmother suffer because of all these issues I have with my father. She’s a kind person. She took care of me (and my grandfather) when no one did. They gave me more than my parents did. If it wouldn’t have been for them, I would have never learned what kindness is or what being genuinely good as a person means. My heart just can’t do that do her and I know that by doing this, my father probably will try a lot of things, but I try keeping this as “safe” as possible. For example, I changed my phone number last week and I decided not to give that phone number to anyone else except just a few persons I know he can’t find it out from. In a few months me and my husband will move from where we currently live and hopefully he will not find out where we will live (at the moment we can’t move). I just hope he will stay away this time.

Thank you once again.

All the best,

Alexa