Dear Wanderer:

Thank you for your appreciation and your kind words. It is okay with me that you are honest and disagree with me. Your honesty is most important and I appreciate it, deeply. It is not about me winning an argument. This is not an argument, it is an examination of Reality, looking at it, considering this and that. A rational  understanding of a possibility without believing in it is just an exercise. Believing in an understanding is what matters. So let’s keep examining and considering, on both sides.

“I always felt like I had to protect mum’s image. I have never shared with anyone the frequency/ intensity of the arguments we had growing up at home, until now”-

it would be  okay for you to protect her image if it was possible to  do  so without you tarnishing your own image. The price of promoting her image as Saint/good, is to promote your image of yourself as Selfish/ bad.

I think that the feelings you had then, during those arguments, the anticipation of the next argument, her bringing up the old argument, and a new one… that distress was intense for you, and that distress is activated in your experience with women with whom an intimate relationship seems likely. With the intimacy comes that intolerable distress, the worst feeling in the world, I believe were your words.

“It has been suggested to me in the past that I am attempting to replicate another relationship with my Mum… I call it ‘push/pull’ because it’s one extreme or another”-

I think that as a human you need intimacy, always did, always will, that is the natural pull. The push is what came with that intimacy that you experienced with your mother, that most terrible or horrible feeling in the world, feeling trapped with an argumentative, angry woman who won’t stop tormenting you, really.

I didn’t click on that Youtube, don’t want to do that. If you want to write to me what about it agreed with you, please do.

Regarding healing, if you do choose a counselor, in the first session when you interview him or her, ask him how he (or she) views his mother and father. It will be a bad idea to be counseled by a person who  has not resolved his own issues.

Regarding  your future relationships with women, get to know a woman, if you find her insightful, honest and trustworthy, share with her what you shared here. Don’t be alone  with your conflicts, share with her.  There may be a growing closeness with doing just that, having honest conversations, a game changer, so to speak.

anita