Hi Occitane,

I feel for your situation, I’ve been there, as others in this forum. Thank you for sharing your story. What I’m hearing is that there’s a reason why she broke up with you – you don’t open up to her. And you are closed up because of past hurt. Unfortunately, the breakup was inevitable.

One of the ways our partners, especially women, want intimacy is through the other opening up to them, whereas for men is more physical in nature. My guess is that she hasn’t contacted you because she realized that you won’t change. Take this opportunity to work on yourself – talk to a professional, open up to a close friend, read books, journal, find stillness and get in touch with your inner self. The trauma of past pain and the wounds need to be healed in order for you to start being yourself again (more open, trusting, loving). Whereas now, you are acting from a place of fear.

I’m afraid that without doing the work, even if you get back together, you’ll find yourselves in the same position, but this time you’ll split for good. Or you’ll find someone new and the pattern will get repeated.

When I went through my breakup, one of the books that helped me understand why my relationship ended was Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – it explains how relationships work from the perspective of adult attachment theory. In other words, you’ll understand why you and your ex were attracted to each other in the beginning, and why you broke up in the end.

Hope this helps.

Marina