Michelle,

You’re right. Everything you have said there has relevance to me. I’m feeling particularly blue today, which is in stark contrast to the ambivalence I experienced in January. It’s so frustrating not knowing what to expect. Lately I have been trying to talk to myself to tell myself it’s over. To try and get it to sink in. Because ultimately, I still don’t believe it I guess. I know I have been surviving but I am most definitely holding on to it and don’t know how to let go.

I do indeed want to be in a healthier space myself, that’s probably the only reason for me not contacting him – because I want to be strong enough to endure whatever may come. My therapist is great but lately I’ve been feeling as though there has not been a whole amount of progress on my part, that I’m plateauing. I can’t go back it seems, but I have no desire to go forward to something I don’t want. It’s a strange old place to be.

Also, now I’m in the awkward position of having to let someone down gently (the date) – who wants to go on another date. He is a nice person, but definitely not for me, why do I bring these situations upon myself – I hate hurting people’s feelings!

P.S- I hope you are well?