Ben.

Sorry to hear it’s been tough, though not surprised, it’s an emotional time for both of you. Clearly it is your decision on how to respond to the situation and taking time to think it through is wise as is ensuring you are comfortable with any decision you end with, either way.

As an outside perspective – I few things you mention that I’d consider worth spending some time thinking and talking through. Happy to help here if I can as can others I’m sure.

– If you continue to stay with your wife and accept her decision, it has to be on the basis of not hoping for her to change her mind, through therapy, time, hormones, anything.   Anything less than really being ok with expecting and planning for a future together without your own or adopted children will otherwise see you both going through this loop again just later down the line, despite your best intentions of not bringing it up.  Suggest you re-read your last comment, you have written several strong statements that suggest you are actually far from ok with this agreement.  It really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks, as to if you have tried hard enough or should have done this, that or the other. At the end of the day, this is your life and your choices. Give yourself enough space to be able to hear yourself think as it can be difficult to work out what you truly want with all the different influences.

– Realise it is scary to consider leaving your wife. Try as best as you can to separate this fear from understanding what you truly want.

– It is worth thinking through anytime you and your wife have had other conversations on your future and you have not been the one to accept the compromise/give up the desire. I’m not saying this is or should be any kind of “your turn, my turn” situation but I have not heard you describe any situation as yet where it has not been you who has been the one to compromise or change.  If it is difficult to identify any then it may well be worth you continuing (with therapy if possible by yourself ) to work on your own self-esteem and healthy boundary setting.

Hope it helps and you come through ok.