Hi Hella, sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time. Reading your story I’m curious about one thing in particular – why haven’t you ever shared your view of reality and feelings with your friends?   The guy has clearly moved on ( or back depending on how you look at it ) and I can absolutely understand you anger towards that, especially when you have not.  But the image you are showing to the world is likewise of someone who has moved on, dating other people and seemingly ok with being around the guy, not saying otherwise.  Are you just hoping people will understand otherwise? If these people truly are your friends, then they would be available to listen to you, be it awkward or not. Do you have any new friends in the city with who you can share or close family?

I know you want to focus on the now but it seems you are carrying a lot of anger about the relationship and how it ended. Trust me, there is nothing he can say or explain about why that will make it any different. It is just something that is, something you can not change, only how you continue to respond to it. What was the driver behind the on/off parts of the relationship – were they always initiated/driven by him or did you also start/finish the relationship at times. Are you angry because he no longer wants to continue the on/off nature and has settled down with someone else in a “proper” relationship?  I think it would be helpful to try to work through what is really behind this anger, usually there’s an underlying cause less obvious than the one that seems to be causing the pain.  What do you think?