Shelby & Michelle,

Interesting point about ‘dwelling in sadness only increases its power and makes it harder to escape it’s grip’ – I feel that quite deeply and it is actually something I’ve been thinking about recently. I have been sad for so long now it almost feels like this is just who I am now. Maybe I don’t actually know how to be happy and joyful anymore? Maybe because this has been going on for what feels like forever maybe this is just me now? It’s a scary thought but a real one for me at this point.

I really do hope that I can come out of this on the other end, just like all those brave people who have experiences the worst of the worst and are now in a better place in their life. Realistically though, I can’t quite imagine that happening. In the simplest of words I am not happy in my life. I cannot recall not once memory, moment in which I felt even a remote amount of happiness or bliss. You know sometimes you remember a nice day, a nice walk, a laugh with a friend, a funny photo I don’t know, anything no matter how small, I do not have that. Actually, I don’t have anything at all from the last few months.. it feels like they have been wiped out from my life and brain. The best way to describe it is being in complete auto-pilot mode.

Shelby –  seems like you’ve been in your thoughts and feelings again recently. It is difficult because yes you have experienced an existential death to an extent, just like myself the life as you knew it has been taken away from you with no explanation, it just was. I think the most important thing for you right now is to accept. Being in the unknown ‘what if’ situation is where you will not move on for obvious reasons. I think there is still a part of you that believes in the what if, that perhaps this is only temporary, that he will wake up sooner rather than later but you’re thinking into the future, missing the here and now. Almost like you are waiting for him, waiting for something that may never happen, especially that he has not given you any indication that that is even a possibility at some point. Be harsh if you need to, be kind if you think that works better. When me and my ex split, for a long time I tried everything in my power to get him to show any sign of uncertainty to fuel my hope of a potential future relationship. When that didn’t work I literally had to almost slap myself back to reality and accept that he simply does not want me and there is nothing I can do about it – it is out of my control. At that point I was no longer left with any options, the only option was literally to accept and go forward without him because I had no other choice. Once I was at that stage it made it easier on me to focus on trying to do things again to occupy my time and hopefully with time make me happy again. Obviously in my case it did not work because just as I began to let go he crawled back in (as**ole hehe) BUT that acceptance moment is what changed the game for me. I was still sad, still hurting but I knew there was no other way out so I could either cry for him forever, eventually watch him move on, think about him daily or accept that he does not care for me in the same way, does not want a future with me and continue to live my life.

I think maybe as you sit in this unknown period of your life, perhaps it would be handy to do a grand gesture to get some closure. Have you maybe thought about writing him a letter? Even if you don’t send it although I think a letter like that should be sent for your own peace of mind. Just a letter explaining that you have been struggling with accepting that he will no longer be a part of your life, that it has hurt you deeply but that you appreciate and understand that this is just it and therefore you would now like to give your own self reprieve and do your best to move on with your life. With that in mind, this is your goodbye to him and you would appreciate it if he did not reach out to you from this point on (because at the moment he still has the option to which again leaves you in uncertainty because you can have 6 great weeks without him but the moment he reaches out you’ll be back to square one). I think maybe something like that would work for me, could it work for you?