@Anita,

That’s something I’ve considered and I do know I still love him, but I also understand that our relationship would not be what it was. Assuming we were to both agree that we should work on this, it would be a big process for us to get to a place where we could be in a good place again. I’m smart enough to know that it wouldn’t just go right back to everything being good. We’d have a lot to work out and I’d insist that we go to marriage counseling, that he get counseling, and that we figure out what we both need to work on individually for us to be able to be a couple again. I just don’t believe on giving up on this so easily. Also, I don’t think he’s been possessed by aliens, I’m going to assume that was a joke – to say that people don’t make mistakes, don’t go through an internal crisis, don’t lose themselves to eventually find themselves again is to say that we’re not human. Obviously this is a gigantic choice that he’s made that carries a great deal of weight – I can’t know what he’s thinking, will think, or what the future will bring (he may look back, down the road, and realize this was the best decision he ever made or he may feel like it was a huge mistake, or anywhere in between).

I appreciate your input and I know you’re speaking from experience, but I don’t know that it’s as cut and dry as your insinuating…but then again, maybe it is. I believe that humans are innately flawed and that people can be forgiven, which is why I’m not willing to completely give up yet. Like I said, maybe I’m naive or in a form of denial, but I’m just not there yet.

@Valora,

Thanks for sharing a bit of  your story. You’re right about the grief coming in waves. It’s not quite as bad as it used to be, though my lowest lows are still on par with where they were right after this happened. I’m hoping that I can learn to be a better person myself, I know that I’m very far from perfect…this has magnified that exponentially. I actually changed my job (I had applied to my now position and had a first interview before this happened) because I knew how negatively my previous job was affecting me. I was trying to make steps to fix some of my issues, I only wish he’d been more communicative and vocal with me. Again, who knows if it would have made a difference or not, it’s just so hard not to ruminate on everything and wonder how or if this could have been avoided. I’d voiced to him that I don’t need this stable lifestyle, that if we want to go be vagabonds, we can do that…but only after he’d already left, so I think it’s fallen on deaf ears to some extent.

He has a bit of a difficult past which I think has muddied his ability to deal with deep seated problems. His brother passed away when he was 20 from a skydiving accident (which I mentioned briefly in my initial post). After this happened, he didn’t cope with his pain for nearly 2 years. He resorted to drugs and alcohol for a while before one day realizing he needed to stop and deal with his problems. (All of this happened before we started dating). I’m by no means equating whatever is going on with him to the death of his brother, but I do think it resurfaces his inability to deal with difficult situations and resorting to something else to numb his pain. I consider this other woman his “drug” so that he doesn’t have to address his internal issues and can use her to mask what’s going on inside. I could be completely off base, but it’s my take on it. I only hope he can find himself again, whether I’m a part of that process or not.