I think your take on what’s happening now is really insightful, and I see a lot of similarities with your situation in mine, right down to my ex pushing his friends away, too, and him also not really fully dealing with a traumatic event from the past. I pretty much came to the same conclusions in my own situation, so I agree that your husband is probably using her to mask what’s going on inside him, but this will only work for so long. Eventually he’ll either have to face it or find something else to mask his pain. My ex felt proud that he didn’t turn to drugs and alcohol this time, because that was his go-to as well before he dated me, but I don’t think he realized at the time that he just turned to a different kind of distraction.

I also had some issues in the months before we broke up (I was very overwhelmed with the abundance of things I had to do and really fell behind with housework, among other things) that I was trying to work on, and the breakup actually freed up a lot of time that I was able to then use to fix those issues even faster. I bet the same thing will happen with you, too, as you continue to work on things.  The growth just starts to happen faster. So there can be benefits to this as well, even though it truly is an awful thing to go through and I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this right now. You really do seem to have a great head on your shoulders, though, and a lot of insight, which I think will help you a lot overall.

I also totally get how hard it is not to ruminate on things, and I even catch myself still doing it from time to time when I feel lonely, but it gets easier to curb that, too, once you’re able to truly find the silver linings.  I truly believe things like this happen for a reason.. because they’re necessary for one reason or another. That good reason just sometimes doesn’t make itself known until later. I now think our breakup had to happen for us to both experience the level of growth we needed to make. Had we stayed together, I would’ve tried to skew my growth toward whatever it was he wanted or needed rather than making sure to take care of my own needs, and I think I’m much happier now that I’ve figured some of that stuff out for only myself. So maybe you’ll end up noticing something like that, too.