Hi Anita,

You are right. So much waste. It hurts to come to that realization. I look back at my life and see some good times yes so I cannot say it was a complete waste. I see my character build and I see love but never the love I craved from others or myself. I never felt good enough and never had my own identity. It hurts most because all of these years I’ve hated myself because I blamed myself for my failures and pains and all along I see I’ve had toxic manipulative people in my life. I understand my life is my responsibility but when you grown up in a dysfunctional family with addiction, poverty, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and many more what else do you know? I hurt because I’ve tried so so hard in life to remain good and true to my beliefs and they were wrong! I feel like I’m losing hope in morality and feel like I need to join the rest of the world in order to keep my peace. I got a hotel last night. Good idea but bad night. First off room was dirty upon entering. Had to wait one hour for house cleaning. Then I vomited my dinner. I believe the over eating I did and stress/pain caused this. Then to wake at 2 am to the pleasant surprise of my menstral which is 2 weeks too early!! This never happens. My body is exhausted. Tired of pain and confusion and not knowing where my life is leading and who anybody is any more. I know you speak of this calm sense of life but it seems far away. It’s like 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. Trying to enjoy the here and now and I think I will have a good day but it hurts to realize the toxicity in my family. The people I loved and trusted most my entire life are now people I’m afraid of right now. Afraid to be in their presence, afraid to be manipulated or judged. Hurts so bad.