Dear anita,

I can look for that meditation later. There is one called “listening and thoughts”. Maybe that is the one.

Today I was feeling a little bit better, more calm. After work, I went for a long walk. The bad thoughts still are there though. What I have started to notice lately is that all my negativity and anger is directed towards myself. Meanwhile I barely got angry at the two men that hurt me. Instead I tried to understand them. Even if I could feel the (emotional) pain they had caused me in my body. And with the first one especially, even after he had so obviously mistreated me. My therapist suggested that this was so i could feel in control of the situation, but I don’t completely understand it yet.

About not trusting myself. I am not sure, but it could be because my parents are so overprotective. My father is scared of everything and expects something bad to happen always and everywhere. I think I told you already about how my sister went for a on-the-job training to another city? My father was very worried and thought that the company was not to be trusted… My sister even said that maybe he thought it was related to the mafia… He sometimes has some crazy theories like that. And if not, he is definitely always listening and talking about bad news. And judging others harshly for their misbehaviour, while not being able to take criticism well himself. So I think I might have learned that fear-based thinking from him.

When there was a conflict, there was very little understanding and negotiating. It was more of a “his way or the highway” kind of situation. At the same time he also wasn’t consequent with his punishments. I think my parents, they didn’t know how to be parents. And at some point they kind of gave up, I think? And they left me and my siblings to ourselves. At least I know I didn’t have much guidance during my childhood and teenage years. But I also didn’t trust them and didn’t take them seriously after a while. We lived under the same roof, but we didn’t even eat together (when I was a teenager), because we all came home at different times. And I didn’t care for their opinions anymore (they were too narrow-minded).

And my father, like I told you before, he didn’t like me. At least, it felt like that. Once he said to me “You are a disgusting person, who hates herself”. Now I think, that he was maybe talking to himself there, not being happy with himself. So if you hear things like that, I guess it doesn’t exactly help with your self-confidence. I remember being unhappy as a child. So unhappy, that I thought about suicide even when I was younger than 12 years old.

And there were also those arguments with my sister, where she went to seek my father’s help. And as I remember it, he was always on her side. So my feelings were not respected or disregarded there. My feelings also were disregarded when it came to the religion issue. They had no understanding for my point of view, I was just supposed to fall in line and be a good presentable daughter of a pastor. Of course I understand that this was my father’s job, but they could have handled the situation better. They could have tried to understand me and put less pressure on me. There just was no way for me to find my own path…

Hm, I don’t know if that answers the question or if I rambled along for too long.

About shame. I don’t remember many examples of when I felt shame at a young age. I know I was overly sensitive. I was always scared for teachers to criticize me or call me out even in elementary school. And if it happened, it hurt more than it should.

The children in elementary school didn’t like me, I was always the weird one. They once called me “monster” (but the word in German is much more derogatory). And the teacher heard it. Even then I said to the teacher that it is no problem, because I didn’t want to be disliked more by my peers I think? So that pattern of minimizing the abuse of others is very old…

Once, when we visited my aunt, I got scared of her father in law. I said to my mother: “I am glad that I don’t have such a bad grandpa”. And my mother told it to my aunt and they laughed about it, and I felt very ashamed. I guess I got ashamed over little things. Somehow I cannot come up with a lot of examples.
One thing is for sure. The message I got from everywhere was: the way you are is not right. You shouldn’t be so shy, you should be more confident, you are too sensitive, you cry too much, you are too fat, not pretty enough, you shouldn’t get angry, you are not good enough in school… But there was not much guidance on how to deal with those things.

I still feel like I am complaining when I write about these things… But I think what you wrote earlier is true, that these experiences have shaped me and damaged me. And both of my siblings have problems too.

But I want my future to become better. I want to be at peace with myself one day. And make better decisions for myself.