Dear anita,

the “sounds and thoughts” meditation was not the one you were talking about it seems. A window wasn’t mentioned there. I found the things he said there made sense, but I also have a hard time concentrating at the moment and a hard time to absorb the things he says.

Making my life better every day sounds like a very good idea and like it could work. Just at the moment I feel very exhausted and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel hopeless and I have a lot of self disgust. I guess I will have to start with very, very small steps. Today I have the interview for this program, where a mentor will help you with your career. Then I also want to study for a while, even if it is just for a short period of time. I have to just start. Clean up for half an hour. Go for a walk. I also don’t want to think so much about K. Maybe this can be a start.

What you tried to explain there about my relationship with my parents, I can understand it on an intellectual level. It makes sense. I also read somewhere that you try to resolve your childhood problems in relationships. But emotionally, I don’t quite get it. Even as a child I disliked my father. He was just too unfair and unkind to me. He hit me and said terrible things to me. My therapist also said that, even if a child doesn’t like their parent, it still secretly wants their approval. But I don’t know, somehow the thought didn’t really sink in.