Dear anita,

even as a child, I wasn’t very confident. I wanted very much to be confident and thought that being confident meant being loud and rebellious. So I tried to act like that, I even kind of took pride in having bad marks, to not been seen like a nerd. I was very confused and didn’t know that you can also be calm and confident at the same time.

But in my teenage years, I also was very afraid of boys. It seemed impossible to me that one could like me, When someone suggested that a calssmate was interested in me, it seemed so unrealistic that I thoght they were just making fun of me. But thinking back later I thought that maybe he could have been interested.

My teenage and childhood years have been very much consumed with my own personal religious war against my parents. I made fun of my parents with my friends. For example when my father proclaimed that one of my favorite TV shows was linked to a cult. Especially back then they were very close-minded with their religious beliefs, today it has improved a little bit. And I was more influenced by my friends and Televison, so I had a very different world view. They grew up in a completely different time (GDR) under very different circumstances (both grew up on a farm) and we couldn’t understand each other.

Sometimes I stood up to my parents. I told them that I didn’t want to go through with confirmation, but in the end I caved in. The same with religion class. At a certain age, you are supposed to choose freely between religion class and ethics class on your own. But I had to go to religion class, even though I didn’t want to. Sometimes I rebelled against them. I secretly watched forbidden TV shows, I hit them back when they hit me or told them that I hated them ( I am not proud of myself for that, but I was an angry child). Most of the time, I rebelled in secret, not openly. Often I also did what they wanted, but had negative and angry feelings about it.

I think as a teenager I was more convinced of myself. Then it didn’t go well with my career and my self-esteem became lower and lower. I was so afraid of the future and had existential fears from an early age on. Everybody was asking about what I was going to do with my life and I didn’t know the answer. I felt shame about being financially dependent on my parents still. And relatives also made such comments. Now I wish I would have just been a little bit more patient with myself.

As I grew older, I also became more understanding of my parents. I wanted to take on responsiblity for myself. Maybe I took it too far.

Also, I think in my early twenties, I think a shift in my thinking happened. One of my best friends didn’t call me or stay in contact anymore. She had been very important to me. Maybe it was just because we lived in different cities. But it hurt me very much. I wondered if I had shared too much about my problems with her. I made a vow not to be difficult anymore, to be nice in any case. Maybe it had something to do with this? Be friendly, don’t be negative is what I wanted to be. It took me a long time to find  a friend I truly cared for after our friendship had ended.

My recent experiences with men also didn’t help. The way that first man treated me, I think it hurt me a lot. Otherwise I would have probably not given in to have sex so easily with the second one. Because with the first one, I said no at first. I pushed him away at first. But he didn’t stop and then I gave up. There was resistance on my part, but it wasn’t strong enough. And this pattern happened over months. But of course, he is not the root of all my problems, I don’t think. But as a teenager, I always wanted to wait for the right one. But then, when I had waited for so long, I felt kind of left out and desperate and lonely and wanted to make my own experiences… But I found the worst person for that.

Overall, I am a living contradiction, I think. My emotional problems, they started as a child. I don’t think I was that confident. Only sometimes. And I think I was on my own side more. But also I was confused about how to behave, their was no real role model there…

I don’t quite understand myself sometimes. I think I still have that strong side in me though.