Hi there,

I have organised to meet up with my ex this afternoon. It’s not that I believe it is the smart thing to do, but I feel like there was no point living as though I would eventually do it either. I don’t think that was any better of a route to move forward.

Sure, it was nearly two months since I’ve spoken to him, butmy feelings hadn’t changed and I always felt it was only a matter of time before I’d contact him again. If I planned to do it one weekend, and i’d put it off, it would only be until I felt there would be a more suitable weekend. I was getting worn out from the constant limbo.

I tried to say to myself many times that it’s over, and that I would never contact him again, but it never sank in really. I would like to be a person who feels differently, that feels I am better off alone or that one day I’ll be happy and even find someone else, but it’s not there, I just don’t feel that way.

I don’t know how today will go, I have no idea why I really arranged it, it’s not sitting well in my tummy, but I think that might be genuine fear. If it is, so be it. I’m at the stage now, where if the outcome is complete embarrassment and brutal heartbreak to my face, then maybe I’ll suffer that to finally move on, because I guess while I’ve done a lot, my feelings towards him are not shifting and I can’t stay like this forever.