Evening Everyone,

I apologise for my absence again, I really need to start to be consistent again because you all keep me on track. I am afraid that this month I have emotionally relapsed, and I was doing SO well.

Firstly, with my ex we have barely really talked the past two weeks its just been comforting to know he’s there if I need him. However, a user on here pointed out that this was toxic and that I am stringing him along, which I can see where that point of view is coming from. Even though I partially agree with that, I still can’t help but hope. But in the past 24 hours it has come to my attention that he went on a night out with a girl I was rather insecure about and always had an off feeling about, he didn’t tell me until the next morning and well hiding things from someone, isn’t that a red flag of a toxic relationship?

You see it isn’t just the case that he is friends with her, I am not going to control who someone see’s, but I feel like they had a questionable relationship and in my opinion it was morally wrong and I decided it would be ok if he could just see my point of view and admit that he crossed a line. He said he was remorseful but also says he hasnt done anything wrong, which is infuriating. I am desperate to go into detail but its his business and I don’t know weather you trust me, but multiple women in my shoes would’ve walked out the door as soon as they heard about the relationship when it came up. It’s just the way it was just both of them and he insisted that they weren’t a couple etc when they went out. At first I convinced myself I was the one that was overthinking, but then I saw a couple-esque photo and it just sent me into a spiral of a sleepless night.

Now, I do feel like I am coming across as if im saying everything’s his fault, I acknowledge that I’m not perfect either but it just lead me to a spiral of thinking have I been that much of an awful girlfriend that I’ve pushed him into the arms of someone else!?

To add to this, he is also participating in a lifestyle that isn’t necessary in the context that he is attending events that well you can watch for free on your computer. I hope someone can read between the lines here and that is notorious for couples to go to. It was okay at first, but he has now stated he’s going to another event that is like a level-up from the last one and on top of this he hasn’t got the funds to do this.

You see couples who attend these events are secure, ideally, the women there know that their husband or boyfriend adores them whilst I am sat their feeling uncomfortable and like a piece of meat, if I’m being completely honest.

So emotionally I have relapsed but I am aware that I do not want to continue in this relationship and I am fully ready to accept that as fucking terrifying and upsetting it is to leave someone I cherish beyond words I don’t feel heard, respected and I don’t deserve to have anymore sleepless nights unless its the good kind.

In addition to all that, I had a relapse with my family. I have not spoken to them for a month and a half, they have cut me off out of the will, have barely helped with university and overly-criticised me but at 1am I just broke down crying cause I just wanted a hug from my mum, regardless of whats happened in the past and I just got so wrapped up that I am completely on my own, or feel like it, and that if I don’t speak to them at all one day I won’t get to.

So I rang them and apologised for being mean to them, we chatted and I genuinely felt better. However, instantly the next day my mum goes “can we have lunch?”, they live 2 1/2 hours away so I was a bit taken aback. I can’t allow myself to just ignore past issues so I need to develop boundaries that I will actually stick to.

Overall,  I feel like I have come along leaps and bounds in terms of feeling peace with not engaging in these relationships and now I feel as though I have gone back 1000 steps.

I will catch up on the thread now.

– V