Hi Anita,

I think you’re right, and I’ve had the same observations at times. My therapist told me how she became a therapist because she never felt heard as a child, which struck me as interesting because sometimes I don’t feel heard/understood by her. I agree, you can only be helped by someone as far as they’ve helped themselves. Like I’ve said, she has helped me in some ways. I feel like some sessions are good, some irritate me. I’ve thought about stopping with her but I always thought it was me, that maybe I’m resistant to change or being helped. She has been more validating in past weeks, but I feel like I’m putting in so much effort to try and explain the things I’m feeling and going through. It’s exhausting. It’s nice to have that feeling when you just feel understood, without having to make an argument for why you feel every minute emotion. My ex was also like this so maybe I’m carrying some of that into therapy – when I was upset she would relentlessly badger me about the why  my emotions if I ever showed anything other than happiness and devotion to her, instead of just letting me experience them and supporting me in that. She was also always trying to fix/change me and I always had to explain that I didn’t need fixing I just need support. She just would never understand/be empathetic/allow me to feel anything.

I have trouble letting go/putting boundaries with people. I do have therapy with her tonight so I guess I will see how I feel. The effort of having to say goodbye and find someone else feels too exhausting for me, I don’t feel like going through this whole process over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop therapy and help myself instead, because in listening to so many people telling me I need to do this or that or that I have such and such problems, I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I tend to put up with toxic/unhealthy situations for much too long, until it becomes unbearable. I have a high tolerance for pain/discomfort – my parents never really let us complain about anything, because since they grew up overseas (in Western Africa) and in poverty they had it so much worse supposedly. Like with my ex, I actually wanted to leave her only a few short weeks into the relationship, because I could already see red flags (her saying I love you after only a couple of weeks, wanting to move in with me, being angry for no reason, getting upset when I wanted space/time with my friends, among other things). But I always let my guilt/sense of obligation get the best of me.

My ex told me I was that I was a monster, crazy, dishonest, judgmental, dramatic, mean, controlling, stupid, emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate cold, an addict (when things got really bad I was smoking a lot to get through it all, that’s when she called me that), a narcissist, a b***, bipolar, that I never apologize (when she screamed at me she would demand I apologize to her for it then get mad when I refused), that I was spoiled and privileged, that I don’t know what the f*** I’m talking about, I’m unloving, I don’t know how to love women, accused me of cheating/lying, when I didn’t want to go out and wanted to stay in she said I was f*** up and needed to take pills to fix me. I also would hide in my room or in the bathroom from her, and she would complain that I was ignoring her and therefore abusive. I’m attracted to both men and women and she said that was disgusting and I should essentially be ashamed of my sexuality, which really screwed me up.

The stuff she was referring to – I often called her a child and said she was selfish, ungrateful and manipulative and didn’t know how to deal with her emotions or take responsibility. Towards the end of the relationship I started ignoring her quite a lot and spending as much time as possible away from her. We stopped being intimate with each other which she blamed me for, because I was never in the mood and just hated touching her/having her touch me or being around her at all. I feel the most guilt around that, especially because she always said how her mom would leave her alone all the time so she couldn’t stand ever to be ignored/alone, and I know withholding affection is abusive as well.

Hi Anita,

I think you’re right, and I’ve had the same observations at times. My therapist told me how she became a therapist because she never felt heard as a child, which struck me as interesting because sometimes I don’t feel heard/understood by her. I agree, you can only be helped by someone as far as they’ve helped themselves. Like I’ve said, she has helped me in some ways. I feel like some sessions are good, some irritate me. I’ve thought about stopping with her but I always thought it was me, that maybe I’m resistant to change or being helped. She has been more validating in past weeks, but I feel like I’m putting in so much effort to try and explain the things I’m feeling and going through. It’s exhausting. It’s nice to have that feeling when you just feel understood, without having to make an argument for why you feel every minute emotion. My ex was also like this so maybe I’m carrying some of that into therapy – when I was upset she would relentlessly badger me about the why  my emotions if I ever showed anything other than happiness and devotion to her, instead of just letting me experience them and supporting me in that. She was also always trying to fix/change me and I always had to explain that I didn’t need fixing I just need support. She just would never understand/be empathetic/allow me to feel anything.

I have trouble letting go/putting boundaries with people. I do have therapy with her tonight so I guess I will see how I feel. The effort of having to say goodbye and find someone else feels too exhausting for me, I don’t feel like going through this whole process over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop therapy and help myself instead, because in listening to so many people telling me I need to do this or that or that I have such and such problems, I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I tend to put up with toxic/unhealthy situations for much too long, until it becomes unbearable. I have a high tolerance for pain/discomfort – my parents never really let us complain about anything, because since they grew up overseas (in Western Africa) and in poverty they had it so much worse supposedly. Like with my ex, I actually wanted to leave her only a few short weeks into the relationship, because I could already see red flags (her saying I love you after only a couple of weeks, wanting to move in with me, being angry for no reason, getting upset when I wanted space/time with my friends, among other things). But I always let my guilt/sense of obligation get the best of me.

My ex told me I was that I was a monster, crazy, dishonest, judgmental, dramatic, mean, controlling, stupid, emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate cold, an addict (when things got really bad I was smoking a lot to get through it all, that’s when she called me that), a narcissist, a b***, bipolar, that I never apologize (when she screamed at me she would demand I apologize to her for it then get mad when I refused), that I was spoiled and privileged, that I don’t know what the f*** I’m talking about, I’m unloving, I don’t know how to love women, accused me of cheating/lying, when I didn’t want to go out and wanted to stay in she said I was f*** up and needed to take pills to fix me. I also would hide in my room or in the bathroom from her, and she would complain that I was ignoring her and therefore abusive. I’m attracted to both men and women and she said that was disgusting and I should essentially be ashamed of my sexuality, which really screwed me up.

The stuff she was referring to – I often called her a child and said she was selfish, ungrateful and manipulative and didn’t know how to deal with her emotions or take responsibility. Towards the end of the relationship I started ignoring her quite a lot and spending as much time as possible away from her. We stopped being intimate with each other which she blamed me for, because I was never in the mood and just hated touching her/having her touch me or being around her at all. I feel the most guilt around that, especially because she always said how her mom would leave her alone all the time so she couldn’t stand ever to be ignored/alone, and I know withholding affection is abusive as well.