Dear GL,

You have some amazing insight, thank you so much. I do very much agree that I’m rationalizing my emotions, and have been doing that pretty intensely for quite a long time. Before this relationship I didn’t rationalize as much – I didn’t often share my emotions with other people but I let myself be sad, cry, feel fear, etc while alone or with someone who I felt was safe. It’s hard re-learning how to feel my emotions when they’ve been caged in for so long and I’ve been so often shamed or misunderstood for expressing anything. With my ex, she would even get angry that I showed any sense of being tired after working two jobs and 12 hour days. I’ve always been expected to be constantly strong and take care of everything and everyone and always have all the answers. I’ve been told I’m too independent but then I am shamed whenever I show vulnerability. It’s frustrating.

You’re right, my therapist is not my friend and I should not be dependent on her. I find that I most definitely am, like you said I don’t have any friends to spend time with so she’s my only source of human interaction outside of work. I find it very hard to find people to genuinely connect with. I like what you said about life/healing not being linear & that emotions can’t be solved like a math problem. I’ve thought that to myself often, but I feel that’s been something drilled into me be other people, that I should be able to fix/snap out of my emotions and now it’s difficult to unlearn that. I think people in general don’t allow much space for negative emotions and we’re expected to always be efficient and perfect like machines. As I’ve gotten older and had these negative experiences I’ve definitely become one of the masses in that way. Even though I know I should express my emotions and it’s safe to do so now I feel I don’t even remember how.