Dear Liz:

“Is it selfish to leave him because of the emotional and sexual needs not being met 100%? Or do I have unrealistic expectations?”

There are a few questions in these two lines and I will give you my input on all of them:

1. Is it selfish to leave him? No, because you are not married and you don’t have children together. You live together, so it will be selfish to leave the apartment without giving him/ the owner a notice, so that your boyfriend will not be stuck paying full rent unexpectedly (if you were paying part of the rent, that is). If you take care of the practical issues of leaving him responsibly , then it is not selfish of you to leave.

2. Do you have unrealistic expectations? Only if you expect emotional and sexual needs to be met 100%, or close to 100%. The 100% is impossibility. I think maybe 80% is good enough, that is, you are content most of the time, but not all of the time.

3. Should you leave him? I don’t know at this point. The good part of the relationship with him is that it has “always been easy and respectful”- this is a huge plus, one that is missing in a lot of relationships, bringing misery to the partners and their children. To have a peaceful home where two people treat each other respectfully is essential to a good home, especially if children are brought into the home.

Without peace and respect, nothing matters. If the two of you were most compatible in many areas but at times were disrespectful/ abusive to one another, then all the compatibility will not make the relationship a healthy one, nor will it make it a safe, healthy home for future children.

Your partner is “very closed off”, you wrote. He has difficulty connecting to people. This is doable in a relationship because you can have friendships outside of the relationship, and he can have his solitude while you socialize responsibly and then come home to him. Or have a friend over while he is busy elsewhere in the home.

Regarding the bedroom habits, this needs to be explored further: “he seems uninterested or uncomfortable”. You need to find out which one it is- uninterested or uncomfortable. If he is uninterested, this means he is not interested in how you feel, doesn’t it? If he is uncomfortable, maybe you can help him feel more comfortable. Which one is it, do you think and did you ask him, if so, what did he say?

anita