Hey Christine.

Sounds to me like you have a couple of different things going on here. I honestly don’t think he’s ghosting you on purpose as you interpret it but does seem like he is used to such a different way of life, different standards, different ‘normal’ –  that what he thinks of as acceptable behaviour, most people wouldn’t think like that, on both a practical/pragmatic and emotional level.

E.g. – it would have been ‘normal’ as part of the practical/financial conversation about what next for your relationship to consider selling his unmortgaged place and moving in with you, since your daughter is already settled there/schools etc. Or selling both & a fresh start somewhere together.  Likewise, as someone who’s done up a lot of places/renovations with her her partner, working through a proper plan together of what is needed, what you can realistically do and how long you are willing to take to do it etc etc etc. All practical, sensible,’normal’ conversations to figure out what works best for the both of you to join your lives together as you want to.

And that’s the real problem here I think, isn’t it. He is more like a young child still, no real skills or ability at looking after himself, let alone a family. The up/down energy, the all or nothing approach is very typical of someone who really wants something but doesn’t know, has no experience or knowledge, of how to not be overwhelmed, of how to deal with reality. Truly, you must be a little worried at feeling like you are taking on another child to look after rather than an equal partnership that will add to yours and your daughter’s life?  Sometimes the best solution is to step back yourself – trying to offer practical solutions, doctors, treatments, house project plans, will tackle the current resultant problems but not the underlying symptom of ensuring he is capable of taking responsibility for himself first.  Absolutely support him in looking to help himself as/when he is ready to really do so – but your instincts are clearly screaming at you to hold from going any further with this guy until he is actually ready to do so. Listen to them…