Dear Love100%:

Maybe you can teach your husband how to express his anger at your daughter, what is an okay expression and what is not. Let’s say he feels angry at her for not following a reasonable and clearly communicated instruction, for example, cooperating with entering the car after school and having the seatbelt on, it is okay for him to speak to  her with a somewhat angry tone, just a bit louder than usual, but not in a very angry tone, shouting.

If he thinks that the  only  okay tone of voice talking to her is perfectly quiet and calm, he will fail. But if he has the option, and knows it is an okay option, to have some anger in his voice, and just a bit louder, then he will be able to succeed and not shout at her.

What I am saying is that it is impossible for a parent to never express anger, for anger to never show itself on the parent’s facial expressions or  body language, or tone and volume of voice. The key is  to contain that anger, to see to  it that it is always expressed in a contained way.

That way the child knows the parent is angry but is not afraid of the parent losing control. She will be somewhat alarmed by the parent’s anger, cooperate with entering the car and putting the seat belt on.

anita