Dear anita,

I went to the meeting and nobody accused me. I was very nervous and probably made the others uncomfortable. They were talking about missing objects, two missing knives. And I said that I had felt like they had suspected me and that it had made me feel uncomfortable (I don’t know, it’s maybe not the smartest thing to ask? It probably also made everyone uncomfortable…). But the one woman said that she asked everyone, the other also said that she had suspected everyone. Everything was o.K. and I relaxed a little.

People were friendly and even invited me or everyone to join their board game night… But if I were to go there, I would only make everyone uncomfortable I think.

Maybe I completely overreacted? But it was weird that I got asked twice about it. I still think that they must have talked about me. First there were weird looks and someone ignored me, then they were super-nice all of the sudden. But it’s probably understandable that they wonder about me, as I have isolated myself quite a bit.But it just makes me feel more uncomfortable… I don’t want to be noticed or be seen as different… Sometimes I wish I could just be invisible or non-existent!

After the renovations a lot of new people moved in and everything changed. People became more close and do more things together. I am not part of this, which is of course my fault. In the past months I was so overwhelmed with feelings of shame and guilt and wanted to be alone more. And so I became an outsider. I am not good with groups anyways! Never was I accepted in one… In school people called me “freak” and threw paper balls at me. Some boy told me what an ugly face I had, things like that… Or at the church choir and everywhere people disliked me.

It bis always the feeling of not being respected, not being good enough. But maybe a lot of it is in my own head! Why do I care what these strangers care anyways??? I wish I could stop thinking about it and just do my own thing.

In therapy we talked about something similar, like the thing with the manipulative crying. I think me expressing my feelings wasn’t encouraged. My parents wanted me to be a certain way and I should follow that. There was not much room for me finding my own voice. When I resisted, I was punished.

In my opinion , you could also deal differently with a child that sees the world differently than you. You could talk to it, ask questions, try to understand. But there was only judgement and I could not truly be myself around them.That is probably why I like to be alone so much. I can relax. I can be myself. I can be not perfect.

Maybe I feel responsible for everything that goes wrong because I was some sort of scapegoat in my family. I had this feeling that I was responsible for the problems in my family. Because I was different and difficult, because I didn’t accept my parents path, I was the problem.

But I don’t remember so many things where a dishonest intent of mine was assumed. But somehow there was the feeling that I was not o.K. the way I was. That I was somehow difficult, spoiled etc.

And I still feel like I am the problem everywhere. At work or at the dormitory.

Yes you are right, it feels like torture and I wished that I could become more o.K. with myself. I am sorry you had to go through this. It is not o.K. to make a child feel guilty like that for small mistakes. A grown up should truly know better! I too, feel very afraid to make mistakes and am far too perfectionistic.

I think it takes a lot of strength and willpower to face and overcome such bad beliefs about yourself. So you must be a very strong person.

About K. The things I wrote to him were my true feelings. That I should concentrate on my healing process at the moment and that I am not ready for a relationship right now. And that I lost my trust in him. On these grounds a healthy relationship cannot be established. So the reasonable thing is to let it be.

It is just, that I secretly want to be in a relationship and sometimes he showed me his affection. It is something that I miss. When we slept embracing each other closely, or when he was just laying his head on my knees and I was caressing his face, it is things like this that I am missing. I would have liked to be there for him. But I was too afraid to be truly myself, I was always nervous and feeling unworthy. He also kept his problems to himself.

Sometimes I worry that I have painted him in a too negative light in this thread? On the phone he said that he wanted to be in a true relationship now. And that he didn’t want to hide his problems away from me any longer. That he thought that true love would have never be possible for him again… And I don’t know if someone could lie so shamelessly??

But then, he told lies or some things just didn’t quite make sense. And that he doesn’t want his sister to know is also very weird (even though I would have been embarrassed and uncomfortable too to meet his friends and family. I am not good at such things. But to make it a secret?).

Hm, the best will be to let it be.Sometimes I get very sad and think that love will just not be possible for me. But then again, I have my best friend, that is truly there for me. My parents also try their best now to be supportive and understanding. There are the small things in life that truly make me happy… There is art and nature… Maybe I should just be more thankful for those things.